Free Funny Jokes

Texan Volkswagen Beetle Joke

2008-05-25T01:25:00.000-07:00

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"

Announcement By Stewardess Joke

2008-05-24T02:15:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, I landed at the Honolulu airport and the stewardess made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed at Honolulu and in a few minutes we will be at the gate. In order to prevent any injuries, please remain seated and keep your seat belt on until we stop at the gate. Captain Phillips is an excellent pilot, but he's a lousy driver."

Summary Of My Email Year Joke

2008-05-23T01:14:00.000-07:00

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,238,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day .

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Joke

2008-05-22T02:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here.

The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely
Mrs. Sheila Fox

---------------------

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Walter

Cautionary Labels Joke

2008-05-21T01:18:00.000-07:00

A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water."

At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read: "Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

25 Ways To Stop Your Church Growing Joke

2008-05-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."

2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.

3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"

4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.

5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.

6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.

7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).

8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")

9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.

10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!

11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.

12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.

13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.

14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.

16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.

17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.

18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.

19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.

20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.

21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.

22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"

23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.

24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."

25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.

Blonde Cook Joke

2008-05-19T01:04:00.000-07:00

Monday
It's fun to cook for Jim. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday
Jim wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Jim brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday
Today, Jim asked for salad again so I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Jim asked me why I was rolling around in the garden...

Friday
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday
Jim did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Jim keeps counting to ten.

Sunday
Jim's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Jim. If I can talk Jim into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

I Hope I'm Sick Joke

2008-05-18T02:22:00.000-07:00

A man was sitting in the doctor's waiting room and said to himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Thomas?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."

Birth Facility Joke

2008-05-17T02:21:00.000-07:00

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight. "What do you think?" she asked.

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

Dilbert Quotes Joke

2008-05-16T01:17:00.000-07:00

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Speaking By Spelling Joke

2008-05-15T03:15:00.000-07:00

Two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p-r-e-t-t-y, is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s-m-a-r-t and I can s-p-e-l-l."

Politician In Hell Joke

2008-05-14T01:04:00.000-07:00

While walking down the street one day, a politician is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the politician.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the politician finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the politician realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.

Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all that's here is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the politician, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

Definition Of A Teenager Joke

2008-05-13T02:28:00.000-07:00

A teenager is...

...someone who can't remember to walk the dog each day but never forgets a phone number he heard once.

...a weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

...someone who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

...someone who can pick out the voice of a friend from three blocks away, but can't hear his mother calling from the next room.

...a computer whiz who can operate any new gadget within seconds but can't make the bed.

...a romantic who never falls in love more than twice a week.

...a connoisseur of two types of fine music: loud and very loud.

...a person who can bike for miles but is usually too tired to help with the dishes.

...your own reality show but with fewer commercials.

...someone who will pitch in and help clean every room in the house, as long as it's the neighbor's house.

...painfully funny at many times. At other times a teenager is just painful.

Why Ladies Are Still Single Joke

2008-05-12T01:37:00.000-07:00

Top reasons why ladies today are still SINGLE

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

Mother's Day Joke

2008-05-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

A mother was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor.

She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."

By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.

At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled, and rushed back to the car, which was locked. There were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.

She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger - which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!"

Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car. Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.

A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew near, she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?"

He gaped at her for a moment and then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?"

She had never seen anything like it - it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger, and the door was open. When she saw that, she threw her arms around him.

"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."

He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."

She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

Giving Wives Duties Joke

2008-05-10T01:14:00.000-07:00

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day, he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Oregon. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Things Mom Would Never Say Joke

2008-05-09T05:31:00.000-07:00

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

3. "Just leave all the lights on... it makes the house look more cheery."

4. "Let me smell that shirt - Yeah, it's good for another week."

5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

8. "I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve."

9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand Joke

2008-05-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

10 things only women understand...

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. Other women!

Learning Math In A Catholic School Joke

2008-05-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors,Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

George Bush And His Intelligent Team Joke

2008-05-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Stupid! That's wrong! It's Tony Blair!"

Woman And Her 4 Husbands Joke

2008-05-05T04:03:00.000-07:00

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Women - Hazardous Material Joke

2008-05-04T12:46:00.000-07:00

Chinese Man And Steven Spielberg Joke

2008-05-03T23:01:00.000-07:00

A Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic. My forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Son Asking Mummy For Money Joke

2008-05-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse, gave her son money and said, "And get yourself a chocolate bar too!".

Have You Ever Wondered? Joke Part 3

2008-05-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Have You Ever Wondered? Joke Part 2

2008-04-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Have You Ever Wondered? Joke Part 1

2008-04-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why Men Are Happier Joke

2008-04-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

You Don't Know My Father! Joke

2008-04-27T00:48:00.000-07:00

Teacher: Bob, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Bob: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Bob: You don't know my father!

Be Careful When Typing Email Addresses Joke

2008-04-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

Separating A Woman From Her Mother Joke

2008-04-25T17:55:00.000-07:00

A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man, "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"

The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."

Health Benefits Of Being Overweight Joke

2008-04-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

Men And Women's Best Friend Joke

2008-04-23T14:39:00.000-07:00

Why are women smarter than men?
Because a man's best friend is a dog,
Whereas diamonds are a woman's best friend!

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Free Funny Jokes Is Back!

2008-04-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

After a long absence, Free Funny Jokes will continue its daily postings.

Stay tuned for the best free funny jokes on the net!

Switching Body With Wife Joke

2007-09-18T02:01:00.000-07:00

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Elderly Hero Joke

2007-09-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."

Dumb Answers Joke

2007-09-16T17:45:00.000-07:00

Girlfriend: ...and are you sure you love me and no one else ?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why?
Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it.

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Patient: What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.

How To End A Date Joke

2007-09-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the ends of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Cheating On History Exam Joke

2007-09-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."

"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."

"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."

"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.

"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."

Why Students Fail Joke

2007-09-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days.

The typical academic year for a student:

1. Sundays
52 Sundays in a year. Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays
50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep
130 days gone... Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing (good for health)
15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing)
30 days. Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)
15 days. Days left 81.

7. Exam days
Per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festivals (holidays)
40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. Sick days
At least 3 days. Remaining days = 3.

10. Movies and functions
At least 2 days. 1 day left.

That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day?!?!?!?!
Balance = 0

How can a student ever pass?!?!

Fastest Way Of Communication Joke

2007-09-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

What are the three fastest ways of communication?

The three fastest means of communication in the world:
1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman.

You still want faster?
Tell her not to tell anyone!

God Created You For Me Joke

2007-09-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU!

Preaching To One Joke

2007-09-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today".

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em".

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."

Adult In School Joke

2007-09-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years - a literature course.

The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

The student behind me whispered, "Relax! He's just taking attendance!"

It's Great Being A Man Joke

2007-09-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

It's great to be a man because...

1. ...a five day holiday requires one overnight bag

2. ...phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

3. ...queues for the bathroom don't exist

4. ...you can open all your own jars.

5. ...when clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying.

6. ...you don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.

7. ...you can go to the bathroom without a support group.

8. ...when your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you.

9. ...you get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

10. ...you never have to clean a toilet.

11. ...you can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

12. ...you save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.

13. ...wedding plans take care of themselves.

14. ...if someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.

15. ...you don't have to shave below your neck.

16. ...none of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

17. ...you don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

18. ...if you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

19. ...biological clock? What's that?

20. ...chocolate is just another snack.

21. ...flowers fix everything.

22. ...you never have to worry about other people's feelings.

23. ...reverse parking is easy.

24. ...window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.

25. ...Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.

26. ...if you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is.

27. ...dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger.

28. ...you don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.

29. ...car mechanics tell you the truth.

30. ...you don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.

31. ...you can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you.

32. ...one mood, all the time.

33. ...gray hair and wrinkles add character.

34. ...the remote control is yours and yours alone.

35. ...you have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

36. ...you don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

37. ...your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "so... notice anything different?"

The Perfect Job Joke

2007-09-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Think You Are Having A Bad Day?

2007-09-06T15:02:00.000-07:00

Think you're having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So, a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the outlet for the vacuum cleaner.

Think you're having a bad day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

What? STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

Notes To Sick Wife Joke

2007-09-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well-meaning husband)

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around 6.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in the refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

Mother's Trick Joke

2007-09-04T02:50:00.000-07:00

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his father's side. "Now maybe mother will do the trick she has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.

"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit."

New Office Rules Joke

2007-09-03T04:16:00.000-07:00

Team,

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2007.

Transportation:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you drive a 10-year old car or take public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings and money and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you drive a Ford, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise too.

Annual Leave:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!).
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's Medical Certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work...

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Surgery:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Internet Usage:
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (Note: $2 per minute)

Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Answers To Health Questions Joke

2007-09-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet... No Pain = No Pain.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Lost In The Supermarket Joke

2007-09-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"

New Sicknesses Joke

2007-08-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $10.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

Pick Three Hymns Joke

2007-08-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

One Sunday, a minister told his congregation that the church needed some extra money as the drains had just fallen in and asked his flock to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns of their choice.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $300 cheque in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Kids' Proverbs Joke

2007-08-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and had them come up with the rest.

Better to be safe than... Punch a 5th grader.
Strike While the... Bug is close.
It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's... Pollution.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

Heaven Getting Crowded Joke

2007-08-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded.

When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

The Engineer And The Frog Joke

2007-08-27T21:36:00.001-07:00

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool.

Female Bumper Stickers Joke

2007-08-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Oh my god, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry !

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

So many men, so few who can afford me.

Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

I'm out of oestrogen and I have a gun.

Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me. You will not win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away ?

Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Make Sure He's Dead Joke

2007-08-25T02:58:00.000-07:00

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Sherlock Holmes Camping Joke

2007-08-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

She Was So Blonde Joke

2007-08-23T01:06:00.000-07:00

She was so blonde that...

1. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said - concentrate.
2. ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. ...she told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. ...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back.
7. ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. ...under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. ...she tripped over a cordless phone.
10. ...at the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius.
11. ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. ...if she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. ...she studied for a blood test and failed.
14. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. ...she sold the car for gas money.
16. ...when she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
17. ...she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
18. ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
19. ...when she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home.

Spoon In Waiters' Pocket Joke

2007-08-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Men Are Like... Joke

2007-08-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

1. Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head straight to your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds.
They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Miraculous Car Accident Joke

2007-08-20T01:49:00.000-07:00

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.

Dinner At Girlfriend's Place Joke

2007-08-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

Just Visiting Here Joke

2007-08-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

A tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to a girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.

She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here.'"

"Haha!" he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"

"I'm just visiting here."

Wife's Surprise Birthday Present Joke

2007-08-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.

Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband, 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday! Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited, she was counting down the days to her birthday.

And on that day, she finally got the beautiful present bought by her thoughtful husband...

...

...

...

...

...

...

The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder!

The New Alphabet For The Aging Joke

2007-08-16T03:54:00.000-07:00

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now... The New Alphabet for the aging...

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Bad Round Of Golf Joke

2007-08-15T00:27:00.000-07:00

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole (the clubhouse bar) and started to go straight home.

As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes", Robert answered.

"Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" Robert questioned.

"Well", said the policeman gravely, "Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?"

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

10 Laws Of Computing Joke

2007-08-14T02:19:00.000-07:00

1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Oldest Profession In The World Joke

2007-08-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Creation Of Woman Joke

2007-08-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history.

Blonde And Magic Mirror Joke

2007-08-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth, it will grant you a wish. If you lie - Poof! It swallows you up.

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror.

The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth". Poof! The mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth". Poof!The mirror swallows her up.

Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says "I think........" Poof!!

24 Hours To Live Joke

2007-08-10T13:32:00.000-07:00

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Caught Sleeping At Desk Joke

2007-08-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

10 Best Things To Say If You Are Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "Boy, that cough mixture I took last night is strong!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands..."

and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ...in Jesus' name. Amen."

New Cannibal Engineers Joke

2007-08-08T22:59:00.000-07:00

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Out Of Office Email Auto-Replies Joke

2007-08-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

The Best "Out-Of-Office" Email Auto-Replies:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THE BEST OF THE BEST:

12. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

Important Lessons In Life Joke

2007-08-06T05:27:00.000-07:00

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says. Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish! I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries!" Pufffff! and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff! and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm!"

Pufffff!

Lesson 1:

Always allow the boss to speak first

A young executive was standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson 2:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of? ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you?!!... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......!?!??"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson 3:

Never insult anyone.

There were 4 guys - a Russian, a German, an American and a Frenchman, who found this small genie bottle.

When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, the genie said, "Next to each one of you are 4 swimming pools. I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become and then your wish will come true."

The Frenchman wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE!!!". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next was the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA!!!" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next. He jumped and shouted, "BEER!!!". He was so contented in his beer pool.

The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson 4:

Think twice before you say something,

because sometimes accidents do happen.

American History Quotes Joke

2007-08-05T00:15:00.000-07:00

It was the first day of school in the Marysville, Ohio, school. A new student named Suzuki, son of a Honda executive, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's start by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty or give me death?"

Only one hand was raised, that of Suzuki. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Fine," said the teacher. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.'?"

Again, Suzuki's hand was the only one raised. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.

The teacher said, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki knows more about our country's history than any of you."

From the back of the classroom came a quick grunt: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.

Suzuki quickly said, "Lee Iococca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke."

Suzuki put his hand up. "George Bush, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this."

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand. "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

Now with a frenzy, someone shouts, "You little snit. If you say anything else, I'm going to kill you!"

Suzuki says calmly, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around, one of the kids says, "Oh damn, now we're in big trouble!"

Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

Only In... Joke

2007-08-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

Only in India...

Only in Pakistan...

Only in Bangladesh...

Only in Indonesia...

Only in Hawaii...

Only in Japan...

Only in Australia...

Only in China...

Men's Rules For Women Joke

2007-08-03T00:49:00.000-07:00

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping!

God Is Watching Joke

2007-08-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Changing Gates At Airport Joke

2007-08-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

Insomniac, Agnostic And Dyslexic Joke

2007-07-31T11:03:00.000-07:00

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Quotes On Men And Women Joke

2007-07-30T04:40:00.000-07:00

Women have more imagination than men do.
They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.

Women have their faults.
Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct - they like to be a man's last romance.

To women love is an occupation.
To men it is a preoccupation.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Husbands are like cars - all of them are good the first year.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If women knew what men were thinking they'd never stop slapping them.

Men are like animals but they make great pets.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man will cherish the memory of the woman he didn't marry.

Psychiatric Patient Start At The Beginning Joke

2007-07-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

Laws Of The Toddler Joke

2007-07-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

This applies to many grown-ups too!

Dead Mule In Church Joke

2007-07-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Mother Supporting Children Joke

2007-07-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"

"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."

Lost In A Hot Air Baloon Joke

2007-07-25T04:23:00.000-07:00

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Car Brand Names Revealed Joke

2007-07-24T03:12:00.000-07:00

A reference guide for car buyers and owners.

AUDI:
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW:
Bought My Wife
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women but
Broke My Wallet

CHEVROLET:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

DODGE:
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dead On the Day Guarantee Expires

FIAT:
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD:
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM:
Garbage Motors
Gluteus Maximus

HONDA:
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles

HYUNDAI:
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

PORSCHE:
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB:
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU:
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO:
Very Old Looking Vehicular Object

Blondes Changing Light Bulb Joke

2007-07-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Travel Brochure Phrases Explained Joke

2007-07-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

“Old world charm” = Room and a bath

“Tropical” = Rainy

“Majestic setting” = A long way from town, at end of dirt road

“Options galore” = Nothing is included in the itinerary

“Secluded hideaway” = Directions to the location are unclear

“Some budget rooms” = Sorry, already occupied

“Explore on your own” = At your own expense

“Knowledgeable trip hosts” = They've flown in an airplane before

“No extra fees” = No extras

“Nominal fee” = Outrageous charge

“Standard” = Sub-standard

“Deluxe” = Barely Standard

“Superior accommodations” = One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap

“All the amenities” = Two chocolates, two shower caps

“Plush” = Both top and bottom sheets

“Gentle breezes” = In hurricane alley

“Light and airy” = No air conditioning

“Picturesque” = Theme park nearby

“24-hour bar” = Ice cubes at additional cost - when available

How Do Dogs Change A Light Bulb? Joke

2007-07-21T03:20:00.000-07:00

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

Police Monkey Joke

2007-07-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

A tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in small unit tactics - well worth the money!"

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrol monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basic firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques, and it can even type.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."

Grandma's New Baby Joke

2007-07-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put her."

Perfect Husband Joke

2007-07-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A-Z Word Definitions Joke

2007-07-17T02:33:00.000-07:00

These words should be added into the dictionary.

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.

Obliment: an obligatory compliment.

Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.

Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.

Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.

Blonde Selling Car Joke

2007-07-16T20:56:00.000-07:00

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said her friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

10 Facts About Men Joke

2007-07-15T03:56:00.000-07:00

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.