Truthful Greeting Cards Joke

The following are truthful greeting card messages.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
INSIDE: What the HECK was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

OUTSIDE: For every year that goes by, Mother
INSIDE: I just think of that inheritance getting closer and closer....

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheater!

OUTSIDE: We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?