New Sicknesses Joke

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $10.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

Pick Three Hymns Joke

One Sunday, a minister told his congregation that the church needed some extra money as the drains had just fallen in and asked his flock to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns of their choice.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $300 cheque in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Kids' Proverbs Joke

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and had them come up with the rest.

Better to be safe than... Punch a 5th grader.
Strike While the... Bug is close.
It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's... Pollution.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

Heaven Getting Crowded Joke

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded.

When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

The Engineer And The Frog Joke

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool.

Female Bumper Stickers Joke

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Oh my god, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry !

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

So many men, so few who can afford me.

Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

I'm out of oestrogen and I have a gun.

Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me. You will not win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away ?

Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Make Sure He's Dead Joke

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Sherlock Holmes Camping Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

She Was So Blonde Joke

She was so blonde that...

1. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said - concentrate.
2. ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. ...she told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. ...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back.
7. ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. ...under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. ...she tripped over a cordless phone.
10. ...at the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius.
11. ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. ...if she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. ...she studied for a blood test and failed.
14. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. ...she sold the car for gas money.
16. ...when she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
17. ...she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
18. ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
19. ...when she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home.

Spoon In Waiters' Pocket Joke

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Men Are Like... Joke

1. Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head straight to your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds.
They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Miraculous Car Accident Joke

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.

Dinner At Girlfriend's Place Joke

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

Just Visiting Here Joke

A tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to a girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.

She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here.'"

"Haha!" he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"

"I'm just visiting here."

Wife's Surprise Birthday Present Joke

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.

Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband, 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday! Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited, she was counting down the days to her birthday.

And on that day, she finally got the beautiful present bought by her thoughtful husband...

...

...

...

...

...

...


The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder!

The New Alphabet For The Aging Joke

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now... The New Alphabet for the aging...

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Bad Round Of Golf Joke

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole (the clubhouse bar) and started to go straight home.

As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes", Robert answered.

"Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" Robert questioned.

"Well", said the policeman gravely, "Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?"

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

10 Laws Of Computing Joke

1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Oldest Profession In The World Joke

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Creation Of Woman Joke

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history.

Blonde And Magic Mirror Joke

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth, it will grant you a wish. If you lie - Poof! It swallows you up.

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror.

The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth". Poof! The mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth". Poof!The mirror swallows her up.

Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says "I think........" Poof!!

24 Hours To Live Joke

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Caught Sleeping At Desk Joke

10 Best Things To Say If You Are Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "Boy, that cough mixture I took last night is strong!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands..."

and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ...in Jesus' name. Amen."

New Cannibal Engineers Joke

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Out Of Office Email Auto-Replies Joke

The Best "Out-Of-Office" Email Auto-Replies:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THE BEST OF THE BEST:

12. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

Important Lessons In Life Joke

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says. Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish! I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries!" Pufffff! and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff! and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm!"

Pufffff!

Lesson 1:

Always allow the boss to speak first

A young executive was standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson 2:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of? ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you?!!... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......!?!??"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson 3:

Never insult anyone.

There were 4 guys - a Russian, a German, an American and a Frenchman, who found this small genie bottle.

When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, the genie said, "Next to each one of you are 4 swimming pools. I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become and then your wish will come true."

The Frenchman wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE!!!". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next was the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA!!!" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next. He jumped and shouted, "BEER!!!". He was so contented in his beer pool.

The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson 4:

Think twice before you say something,

because sometimes accidents do happen.

American History Quotes Joke

It was the first day of school in the Marysville, Ohio, school. A new student named Suzuki, son of a Honda executive, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's start by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty or give me death?"

Only one hand was raised, that of Suzuki. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Fine," said the teacher. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.'?"

Again, Suzuki's hand was the only one raised. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.

The teacher said, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki knows more about our country's history than any of you."

From the back of the classroom came a quick grunt: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.

Suzuki quickly said, "Lee Iococca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke."

Suzuki put his hand up. "George Bush, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this."

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand. "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

Now with a frenzy, someone shouts, "You little snit. If you say anything else, I'm going to kill you!"

Suzuki says calmly, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around, one of the kids says, "Oh damn, now we're in big trouble!"

Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

Only In... Joke

Only in India...

Only in Pakistan...

Only in Bangladesh...

Only in Indonesia...

Only in Hawaii...

Only in Japan...

Only in Australia...

Only in China...

Men's Rules For Women Joke

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping!

God Is Watching Joke

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Changing Gates At Airport Joke

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."