A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Elderly Hero Joke
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.
He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.
He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Dumb Answers Joke
Girlfriend: ...and are you sure you love me and no one else ?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why?
Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it.
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Patient: What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why?
Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it.
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Patient: What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
How To End A Date Joke
BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??
BOY: I would go to the ends of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.
MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??
BOY: I would go to the ends of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.
MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Cheating On History Exam Joke
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Why Students Fail Joke
It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days.
The typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays
52 Sundays in a year. Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays
50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep
130 days gone... Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing (good for health)
15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing)
30 days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)
15 days. Days left 81.
7. Exam days
Per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festivals (holidays)
40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. Sick days
At least 3 days. Remaining days = 3.
10. Movies and functions
At least 2 days. 1 day left.
That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day?!?!?!?!
Balance = 0
How can a student ever pass?!?!
The typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays
52 Sundays in a year. Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays
50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep
130 days gone... Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing (good for health)
15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing)
30 days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)
15 days. Days left 81.
7. Exam days
Per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festivals (holidays)
40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. Sick days
At least 3 days. Remaining days = 3.
10. Movies and functions
At least 2 days. 1 day left.
That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day?!?!?!?!
Balance = 0
How can a student ever pass?!?!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Fastest Way Of Communication Joke
What are the three fastest ways of communication?
The three fastest means of communication in the world:
1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
Tell her not to tell anyone!
The three fastest means of communication in the world:
1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
Tell her not to tell anyone!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
God Created You For Me Joke
God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU!
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Preaching To One Joke
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today".
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em".
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today".
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em".
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Adult In School Joke
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years - a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Relax! He's just taking attendance!"
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Relax! He's just taking attendance!"
Saturday, September 8, 2007
It's Great Being A Man Joke
It's great to be a man because...
1. ...a five day holiday requires one overnight bag
2. ...phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
3. ...queues for the bathroom don't exist
4. ...you can open all your own jars.
5. ...when clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying.
6. ...you don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.
7. ...you can go to the bathroom without a support group.
8. ...when your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you.
9. ...you get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
10. ...you never have to clean a toilet.
11. ...you can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
12. ...you save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
13. ...wedding plans take care of themselves.
14. ...if someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.
15. ...you don't have to shave below your neck.
16. ...none of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
17. ...you don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
18. ...if you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
19. ...biological clock? What's that?
20. ...chocolate is just another snack.
21. ...flowers fix everything.
22. ...you never have to worry about other people's feelings.
23. ...reverse parking is easy.
24. ...window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
25. ...Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.
26. ...if you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is.
27. ...dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger.
28. ...you don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.
29. ...car mechanics tell you the truth.
30. ...you don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.
31. ...you can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you.
32. ...one mood, all the time.
33. ...gray hair and wrinkles add character.
34. ...the remote control is yours and yours alone.
35. ...you have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
36. ...you don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
37. ...your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "so... notice anything different?"
1. ...a five day holiday requires one overnight bag
2. ...phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
3. ...queues for the bathroom don't exist
4. ...you can open all your own jars.
5. ...when clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying.
6. ...you don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.
7. ...you can go to the bathroom without a support group.
8. ...when your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you.
9. ...you get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
10. ...you never have to clean a toilet.
11. ...you can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
12. ...you save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
13. ...wedding plans take care of themselves.
14. ...if someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.
15. ...you don't have to shave below your neck.
16. ...none of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
17. ...you don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
18. ...if you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
19. ...biological clock? What's that?
20. ...chocolate is just another snack.
21. ...flowers fix everything.
22. ...you never have to worry about other people's feelings.
23. ...reverse parking is easy.
24. ...window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
25. ...Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.
26. ...if you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is.
27. ...dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger.
28. ...you don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.
29. ...car mechanics tell you the truth.
30. ...you don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.
31. ...you can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you.
32. ...one mood, all the time.
33. ...gray hair and wrinkles add character.
34. ...the remote control is yours and yours alone.
35. ...you have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
36. ...you don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
37. ...your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "so... notice anything different?"
Friday, September 7, 2007
The Perfect Job Joke
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Think You Are Having A Bad Day?
Think you're having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So, a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the outlet for the vacuum cleaner.
Think you're having a bad day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
What? STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So, a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the outlet for the vacuum cleaner.
Think you're having a bad day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
What? STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Notes To Sick Wife Joke
(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well-meaning husband)
Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around 6.
Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in the refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around 6.
Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in the refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Mother's Trick Joke
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his father's side. "Now maybe mother will do the trick she has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit."
Monday, September 3, 2007
New Office Rules Joke
Team,
Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2007.
Transportation:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a 10-year old car or take public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings and money and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a Ford, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise too.
Annual Leave:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!).
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's Medical Certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work...
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Surgery:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Internet Usage:
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (Note: $2 per minute)
Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2007.
Transportation:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a 10-year old car or take public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings and money and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a Ford, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise too.
Annual Leave:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!).
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's Medical Certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work...
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Surgery:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Internet Usage:
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (Note: $2 per minute)
Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Answers To Health Questions Joke
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet... No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet... No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Lost In The Supermarket Joke
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
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