Moods Of Men And Women Joke

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse,
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse,
But when he's well and can get out of bed,
She'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.

Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind,
She'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.

She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him and never come back,
But if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN.
Horny.

5 Stages Of Drunkenness Joke

Stage 1 - Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know everything and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those who get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage 2 - Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage 3 - Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage 4 - Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

Stage 5 - Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.

Year 2043 Headlines Joke

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $1.6 million.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2046.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Funny Proverbs Joke

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

9. Never lick a steak knife.

10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

17. Your friends love you anyway.

18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Church Football Joke

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

College Advice Joke

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.

Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.

Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.

Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly,

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

Politically Correct Statements Joke

Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

AND FOR STUDENTS...

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit delayed."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk. It's just "closure prohibitive."

Your homework isn't missing. It's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

Birthday Gift From Husband Joke

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Peanuts Cartoon Characters Joke

Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles Schulz:

Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.

Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.

Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.

Cowboy 10 Commandments Joke

People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments.

Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

The Cowboy's Ten Commandmentsposted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie,
Texas)

1. Just one God.
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa.
3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
5. Put nothin' before God.
6. No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
7. No killin.'
8. Watch yer mouth.
9. Don't take what ain't yers.
10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think?

Y'all have a good day.

Elderly Blind Date Joke

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

Goodbye Mother Joke

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say, 'Goodbye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Get Out Of Consulting Joke

You know it is time to get out of consulting when...

• You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
  
• You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
  
• You refer to dating as test marketing.
  
• You can spell "paradigm."
  
• You actually know what a paradigm is.
  
• You understand your airline's fare structure.
  
• You write executive summaries on your love letters.
  
• You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
  
• You believe every company is "a traditional functional organization, with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to change as it is facing ever increasing competition..."
  
• You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an "ineffective handling of an administrative situation."
  
• You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
  
• You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
  
• You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
  
• You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
  
• You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller," and then you ask her if she has a pizza so you can show her.
  
• You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's asses."
  
• You actually believe your explanations of the above.
  
• You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish notation.
  
• You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
  
• Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime consumption function, and an evening consumption function.
  
• You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
  
• Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..."
  
• You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
  
• You believe CAPM is just as important as the Theory of Relativity.
  
• You believe CAPM.
  
• You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
  
• You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
  
• You refer to divorce as "divestiture."
  
• Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall Street Journal.
  
• None of your favorite publications have cartoons.
  
• You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
  
• You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
  
• At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
  
• You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see if it will blow up given the day's weather conditions and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out.
  
• You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.
  
• Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills
  
• You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
  
• You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
  
• You give constructive feedback to your dog

Father's Day Joke

Letters between a son and a father.

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Dad

Fathers of 1900 And Today Joke

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure DVD is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the TiVo.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted an Xbox!"

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a Blackberry.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
Today, fathers are never truly appreciated!

Son Conducting Surgery Joke

A man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

What Not To Put On A Resume Joke

These are some alleged real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

1. "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

2. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

3. "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

4. "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

5. "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

6. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

7. "I am a rabid typist."

8. "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

9. "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

10. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

11. "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

12. "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

13."My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

14. "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

15."I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

16. "Qualifications: No education or experience."

17. "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

18. "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Marketing Definitions Joke

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

Christians Changing Light Bulb Joke

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one, since his hands are in the air anyway.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. They only use candles.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Orthodox: Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Southern Baptists: Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee who report to the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board who appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

Lutherans: Change??!?!

Atheists: One. But they are still in darkness.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Before And After Marriage Joke

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage, read from the bottom to the top!!!!

Definition Of Globalization Joke

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana's death.

Question:
How come?

Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
riding in a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you using Bill Gates' American technology,
and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
trucked by Mexican illegals!

That, my friend, is Globalization!

Top 9 Romance Novels By Lawyers Joke

The Top 9 Passages From Romance Novels Written by Lawyers

9. "Grrrrr," she thought, as she watched her noisy neighbor sunbathing, his broad shoulders glistening with sweat. "He's a nuisance, but he's an attractive nuisance."

8. "Thurston pulled her to him and quickly divested her of all defenses, both affirmative and otherwise."

7. Chapter 9.1104(b)(3)(C)(ii) - The party of the first part, defined infra Chapter 1.001(a)(1)(A)(i), commingled with the party of the second part, defined infra Chapter 1.001(a)(1)(A)(ii), to the extent permissible by the limitations set forth in Appendix C.

6. "We joined with wild abandon, and though he often spoke eloquently and at great length, in this endeavor he was, sadly, quite brief."

5. "And as he strode up to her confidently, he knew, beyond all doubt, that she was above the legal age of consent..."

4. Discovery was an entirely new process for the young associates. He moved to compel, and she moved to quash. Three teleconferences, two mediations, and a settlement agreement later, and she presented herself for inspection at his office, fully prepared to produce.

3. "She passionately objected to his advances, but with one judicious thrust, her plea was nolo contendere."

2. Sure, their time together was magical, passionate and ultimately satisfying in ways they'd never imagined. But it wasn't billable.


And the Number 1 Passage From a Romance Novel Written by a Lawyer...

1. "Who cares what they think?" Grant said, putting a finger to her fleshy lips. "What happens between us is nobody else's business." Griswold v Connecticut, 381 US 479 (1965) (establishing constitutional right to privacy). Her fulsome breasts heaved as she replied, "But... but, ours is a forbidden love!" NJPS 37:1-1 ("Certain marriages prohibited") "Hush. You know, Rebecca, I've always thought you had a beautiful face. Now," he said, loosening the straps of her dress, "habeas corpus." (Literally, "show me the body.")

World's 25 Shortest Books Joke

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book:......

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

Quiet Class Joke

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

Naming Babies Joke

A pregnant lady was in an accident and she woke up in the hospital. She noticed she was not pregnant anymore and asked the nurse what happened to her baby.

The nurse said, "You have two healthy babies, a boy and a girl!" The lady said, "Oh, I must name them," but the nurse said, "You were unconscious, so we called your brother, and he named them!"

The lady said, "But he's as dumb as a box of rocks! So what are their names?"

The nurse said, "The girl is called "Denise." The woman replied, "Well that is a pretty name, so what did he name my boy?"

The nurse replied, "Denephew!"

Waking Up With A Hangover Joke

Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married.' "

Father Playing With Daughter Joke

As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Betting On Her Age Joke

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

Canceled Business Trip Joke

Although he had packed his bag for a business trip the night before, my husband planned to come home from the office before leaving. That afternoon he called to say the meeting had been canceled and on the spur of the moment we decided to spend a romantic, child-free night in a hotel.

I quickly repacked his suitcase, replacing his belongings with two wine glasses, candlesticks and candles and some bubble bath. Then I dashed out to buy a bottle of wine. When I returned, the bag was gone. A note on the kitchen table read: "Sorry dear, the business trip's on after all. I'll call you when I get there."

Military Quotes Joke

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop