An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Your Dog Is Dead Joke
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead."
"What?" says Phil. "You can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning; you have to ease them into it."
"How?" asks James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof. Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get it down, when it jumped off of the roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be ok, but that it will have to stay at the vet's for a while. Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes," says James.
"Good." says Phil. "Then the next day when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?"
"Yes."
"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well..." James replies, "she's on the roof."
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead."
"What?" says Phil. "You can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning; you have to ease them into it."
"How?" asks James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof. Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get it down, when it jumped off of the roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be ok, but that it will have to stay at the vet's for a while. Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes," says James.
"Good." says Phil. "Then the next day when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?"
"Yes."
"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well..." James replies, "she's on the roof."
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Write Down To Remember Things Joke
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
Monday, May 28, 2007
Politically Correct Terms & Phrases N-Z
negative................uninformed
negro...................African American
negroes.................African Americans
negroid.................African American
newspaper................processed tree carcass
newspapers..............processed tree carcasses
normal..................blatently normal
office boy..............office assistant
old joke................previously recounted humorous narrative
old person..............gerontologically advanced
old.....................experientially enhanced
paper...................processed tree skeleton
pathetic................unique
patient.................guest
patients................guests
pensioner...............elder
perverted...............sexually dysfunctional
pet rock................mineral companion
pet.....................animal companion
pets....................animal companions
philistine..............disadvantaged person
policeman...............law enforcement officer
politically correct.....culturally sensitive
poor....................economically unprepared
poor....................economically exploited
postman.................postperson
pregnant................parasitically oppressed
pretty..................different
priestess...............priest
prisoner................guest of the correctional system
prisoners...............guests of the correctional system
problem.................task
promiscuous.............sexually active
prostitute..............sex care provider
psychopath..............socially misaligned person
psychotic...............socially misaligned
race....................ethnicity
remedial................additional preparation
right-hand man..........chief assistant
rude....................politically correct
seamstress..............seamstron
seducer.................seductron
seductress..............seductron
seeress.................seer
seminar.................ovarium
severely crippled.......involved
sex change..............gender reassignment
shit....................fertilizer
shoplifter..............non-traditional shopper
short...................vertically challenged
sighted person..........temporarily visually abled
slave...................enslaved person
sloppy..................non-traditionally ordered
slum....................economic oppression zone (EOZ)
snowman.................snowperson
sorcerer................sorceron
sorceress...............sorceron
spendthrift.............negative saver
steak...................scorched animal corpses
stewardess..............flight attendant
stoned..................chemically inconvenienced
straw man...............straw person
stupid..................neuronically challenged
superior................different
table...................tree skeleton
tall....................vertically inconvenienced
taxi driver.............public passenger vehicle driver
terrible................O.K
The Establishment.......White Power Elite
trees...................oxygen exchange units
tribe...................people
ugly....................cosmetically different
underling...............downtrodden
unemployed..............indefinitely idled
used books..............recycled books
useless.................unique
value...................relative value
victim..................survivor
violence................passionate expression
violent.................passionate
waiter..................waitron
waitress................waitron
want....................prefer on the whole
war.....................mutually empowering shared experience
whaler..................blubber lover
white male..............oppressor
white male..............racist
white person............racist
white trash.............PC unaware
white...................blatantly white
wild....................free-roaming
wino....................substance abuse survivor
women...................wimmin
wool....................stolen nonhuman animal fibers
workman.................worker
worse...................somewhat less desirable
worst...................least best
wrong...................differently logical
young girl..............prewoman
young girls.............prewomen
zoo.....................animalcatraz
negro...................African American
negroes.................African Americans
negroid.................African American
newspaper................processed tree carcass
newspapers..............processed tree carcasses
normal..................blatently normal
office boy..............office assistant
old joke................previously recounted humorous narrative
old person..............gerontologically advanced
old.....................experientially enhanced
paper...................processed tree skeleton
pathetic................unique
patient.................guest
patients................guests
pensioner...............elder
perverted...............sexually dysfunctional
pet rock................mineral companion
pet.....................animal companion
pets....................animal companions
philistine..............disadvantaged person
policeman...............law enforcement officer
politically correct.....culturally sensitive
poor....................economically unprepared
poor....................economically exploited
postman.................postperson
pregnant................parasitically oppressed
pretty..................different
priestess...............priest
prisoner................guest of the correctional system
prisoners...............guests of the correctional system
problem.................task
promiscuous.............sexually active
prostitute..............sex care provider
psychopath..............socially misaligned person
psychotic...............socially misaligned
race....................ethnicity
remedial................additional preparation
right-hand man..........chief assistant
rude....................politically correct
seamstress..............seamstron
seducer.................seductron
seductress..............seductron
seeress.................seer
seminar.................ovarium
severely crippled.......involved
sex change..............gender reassignment
shit....................fertilizer
shoplifter..............non-traditional shopper
short...................vertically challenged
sighted person..........temporarily visually abled
slave...................enslaved person
sloppy..................non-traditionally ordered
slum....................economic oppression zone (EOZ)
snowman.................snowperson
sorcerer................sorceron
sorceress...............sorceron
spendthrift.............negative saver
steak...................scorched animal corpses
stewardess..............flight attendant
stoned..................chemically inconvenienced
straw man...............straw person
stupid..................neuronically challenged
superior................different
table...................tree skeleton
tall....................vertically inconvenienced
taxi driver.............public passenger vehicle driver
terrible................O.K
The Establishment.......White Power Elite
trees...................oxygen exchange units
tribe...................people
ugly....................cosmetically different
underling...............downtrodden
unemployed..............indefinitely idled
used books..............recycled books
useless.................unique
value...................relative value
victim..................survivor
violence................passionate expression
violent.................passionate
waiter..................waitron
waitress................waitron
want....................prefer on the whole
war.....................mutually empowering shared experience
whaler..................blubber lover
white male..............oppressor
white male..............racist
white person............racist
white trash.............PC unaware
white...................blatantly white
wild....................free-roaming
wino....................substance abuse survivor
women...................wimmin
wool....................stolen nonhuman animal fibers
workman.................worker
worse...................somewhat less desirable
worst...................least best
wrong...................differently logical
young girl..............prewoman
young girls.............prewomen
zoo.....................animalcatraz
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Politically Correct Terms & Phrases G-M
gang....................youth group
genius..................mentally different
ghetto..................pre-integrated pre-nirvana
girl friday.............assistant
girl watching...........street harassment
girl....................female person
girlfriend..............acquaintance rape survivor
girlfriends.............unpaid sex workers
girls...................young female persons
gorgeous................different
graffiti................people's art
grammar.................ethnocentric white patriarchal restructuring of language
great...................different
hairdresser.............hair stylist
hamburger...............seared mutilated animal flesh
hate....................dislike
hates...................dislikes
he or she or it.........h'orsh'it
he......................she
hearing person..........temporarily aurally abled
heir....................inheritron
heiress.................inheritron
heroine.................hero
heterosexual............blatantly heterosexual
history.................his'n'herstory
homeless................involuntarily undomiciled
homosexual..............gay
honey...................stolen nonhuman animal sweetener
hopeless................stepping stone
hostess.................host
housewife...............domestic engineer
housewife...............homemaker
humans..................human animals
hunter..................bambi butcher
hurricane...............himmicane
I.......................my humble self
ignorance...............alternative wisdom
ignorant................differently wise
illiterate..............alternatively schooled
illogical...............differently logical
immature................childlike
impaired................challenged
in fact.................seemingly
incompetent.............of different interests
inferior................different
inmate..................guest
inmates.................guests
insane people...........selectively perceptive
insolvent...............illiquid
intellect...............intuition
intelligence............intuition
intelligent.............intuitive
janitor.................environmental hygienist
jew.....................Jewish person
judge...................consider
junkie..................substance abuse survivor
kid.....................young person
kids....................young people
kinsmen.................kin
lazy....................of different interests
learning disability.....self-paced cognitive ability
leather.................dead animal skins
lesbian.................gynocentric be-ing
lesbianism..............gynocentric be-ing
liar....................a person creative with the facts
lie.....................constructive version of the facts
literary criticism......lit crit
logger..................treeslayer
lost....................temporarily misoriented
lover...................spouse equivalent
lovers..................spouse equivalents
lower classes...........downtrodden
lumberjack..............tree butcher
mad.....................challenging
maid....................house helper
maiden name.............family birth name
mail man................person person
mainstream..............dominant culture
malady..................condition
man of letters..........literary person
man-made................artificial
man.....................person
manageress..............manager
mankind.................earth children
mankind.................humankind
manly...................womanly
manpower................human resources
marriage................legalised rape
married.................legally raping
matron..................supervisor
meat....................flesh
men.....................bastards
menstruate..............femstruate
mentally retarded.......exceptional
meter maid..............parking enforcement adjudicator
middleman...............intermediary
midget, dwarf...........vertically challenged
minority group..........numerically challenged group
mistake.................learning experience
mistaken................differently opinioned
moan....................share
Mr......................Pn
Mrs.....................Pn
Ms......................Pn
mute....................orally challenged
genius..................mentally different
ghetto..................pre-integrated pre-nirvana
girl friday.............assistant
girl watching...........street harassment
girl....................female person
girlfriend..............acquaintance rape survivor
girlfriends.............unpaid sex workers
girls...................young female persons
gorgeous................different
graffiti................people's art
grammar.................ethnocentric white patriarchal restructuring of language
great...................different
hairdresser.............hair stylist
hamburger...............seared mutilated animal flesh
hate....................dislike
hates...................dislikes
he or she or it.........h'orsh'it
he......................she
hearing person..........temporarily aurally abled
heir....................inheritron
heiress.................inheritron
heroine.................hero
heterosexual............blatantly heterosexual
history.................his'n'herstory
homeless................involuntarily undomiciled
homosexual..............gay
honey...................stolen nonhuman animal sweetener
hopeless................stepping stone
hostess.................host
housewife...............domestic engineer
housewife...............homemaker
humans..................human animals
hunter..................bambi butcher
hurricane...............himmicane
I.......................my humble self
ignorance...............alternative wisdom
ignorant................differently wise
illiterate..............alternatively schooled
illogical...............differently logical
immature................childlike
impaired................challenged
in fact.................seemingly
incompetent.............of different interests
inferior................different
inmate..................guest
inmates.................guests
insane people...........selectively perceptive
insolvent...............illiquid
intellect...............intuition
intelligence............intuition
intelligent.............intuitive
janitor.................environmental hygienist
jew.....................Jewish person
judge...................consider
junkie..................substance abuse survivor
kid.....................young person
kids....................young people
kinsmen.................kin
lazy....................of different interests
learning disability.....self-paced cognitive ability
leather.................dead animal skins
lesbian.................gynocentric be-ing
lesbianism..............gynocentric be-ing
liar....................a person creative with the facts
lie.....................constructive version of the facts
literary criticism......lit crit
logger..................treeslayer
lost....................temporarily misoriented
lover...................spouse equivalent
lovers..................spouse equivalents
lower classes...........downtrodden
lumberjack..............tree butcher
mad.....................challenging
maid....................house helper
maiden name.............family birth name
mail man................person person
mainstream..............dominant culture
malady..................condition
man of letters..........literary person
man-made................artificial
man.....................person
manageress..............manager
mankind.................earth children
mankind.................humankind
manly...................womanly
manpower................human resources
marriage................legalised rape
married.................legally raping
matron..................supervisor
meat....................flesh
men.....................bastards
menstruate..............femstruate
mentally retarded.......exceptional
meter maid..............parking enforcement adjudicator
middleman...............intermediary
midget, dwarf...........vertically challenged
minority group..........numerically challenged group
mistake.................learning experience
mistaken................differently opinioned
moan....................share
Mr......................Pn
Mrs.....................Pn
Ms......................Pn
mute....................orally challenged
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Politically Correct Terms & Phrases A-F
a woman.................a person of gender
actress.................actor
affliction..............condition
afro-american...........african-american
alien...................relative
alimony.................back salary
alive...................temporarily metabolically abled
angry...................passionate
animal trainer..........interspecies communicator
animals.................non-human beings
anti-abortion...........pro-life
argue...................share
argued..................shared feelings
arguing.................sharing
bad.....................different
bald....................comb-free
bald....................hair disadvantaged
ballboy.................ballchild
barmaid.................bar attendant
beautiful...............different
belief..................tentative inclination
bisexual................sexually non-preferential
blind...................visually challenged
blow one's nose.........deal with one's handkerchief
body odor...............nondiscretionary fragrance
book....................processed tree carcass
books...................processed tree carcasses
boring..................charm-free
boy.....................oppressor-to-be
boyfriend...............unpaid sex worker
broken home.............dysfunctional family
brotherhood.............siblinghood
bum.....................displaced homeowner
cattle ranch............cattle concentration Camp
certain.................reasonably sure
certainly...............probably
certainty...............reasonable likelihood
chairman................chairperson
chicano.................person of color
cigarette smoking.......assault with a deadly weapon
clever..................different
closed..................somewhat unopen
clumsy..................uniquely coordinated
complain................share
conservative............reactionary
conservative............right wing extremist fascist pig
convict.................socially separated
corpse..................nonliving person
crazy...................emotionally different
dead people.............dysfunctional earth children
dead....................metabolically different
deaf....................aurally inconvenienced
deaf....................visually oriented
deformed................special
delicatessen............corpse farm
devil...................God's mischievous offspring
dirty...................consciousness expanding
disability..............special challenge
disabled................differently abled
disease.................condition
dish washer.............utensil sanitizer
dishonest...............ethically disoriented
disorganized............non-traditionally ordered
dog.....................canine companion
dominant................oppressive
dominate................oppress
dominated...............oppressed
domination..............oppression
doorman.................access controller
drooling drunk idiot....person on floor
drug addict.............chemically challenged
drunk...................spatially perplexed
dumb....................neuronically challenged
economically exploited..differently advantaged
egg ranch...............hen rapery
elderly.................longer living
european................Mutant Albino Global Minority
evil....................potentially good
false teeth.............alternative dentation
false...................seemingly not entirely correct
farmer..................exploiter of mother earth
farming.................exploiting mother earth
fat.....................stout
feminism................equitism
feminist................equitist
filthy..................consciousness expanding
fireman.................firefighter
fishing.................raping the oceans
foul....................challenging
freak...................gift from God
fur.....................dead animal skins
actress.................actor
affliction..............condition
afro-american...........african-american
alien...................relative
alimony.................back salary
alive...................temporarily metabolically abled
angry...................passionate
animal trainer..........interspecies communicator
animals.................non-human beings
anti-abortion...........pro-life
argue...................share
argued..................shared feelings
arguing.................sharing
bad.....................different
bald....................comb-free
bald....................hair disadvantaged
ballboy.................ballchild
barmaid.................bar attendant
beautiful...............different
belief..................tentative inclination
bisexual................sexually non-preferential
blind...................visually challenged
blow one's nose.........deal with one's handkerchief
body odor...............nondiscretionary fragrance
book....................processed tree carcass
books...................processed tree carcasses
boring..................charm-free
boy.....................oppressor-to-be
boyfriend...............unpaid sex worker
broken home.............dysfunctional family
brotherhood.............siblinghood
bum.....................displaced homeowner
cattle ranch............cattle concentration Camp
certain.................reasonably sure
certainly...............probably
certainty...............reasonable likelihood
chairman................chairperson
chicano.................person of color
cigarette smoking.......assault with a deadly weapon
clever..................different
closed..................somewhat unopen
clumsy..................uniquely coordinated
complain................share
conservative............reactionary
conservative............right wing extremist fascist pig
convict.................socially separated
corpse..................nonliving person
crazy...................emotionally different
dead people.............dysfunctional earth children
dead....................metabolically different
deaf....................aurally inconvenienced
deaf....................visually oriented
deformed................special
delicatessen............corpse farm
devil...................God's mischievous offspring
dirty...................consciousness expanding
disability..............special challenge
disabled................differently abled
disease.................condition
dish washer.............utensil sanitizer
dishonest...............ethically disoriented
disorganized............non-traditionally ordered
dog.....................canine companion
dominant................oppressive
dominate................oppress
dominated...............oppressed
domination..............oppression
doorman.................access controller
drooling drunk idiot....person on floor
drug addict.............chemically challenged
drunk...................spatially perplexed
dumb....................neuronically challenged
economically exploited..differently advantaged
egg ranch...............hen rapery
elderly.................longer living
european................Mutant Albino Global Minority
evil....................potentially good
false teeth.............alternative dentation
false...................seemingly not entirely correct
farmer..................exploiter of mother earth
farming.................exploiting mother earth
fat.....................stout
feminism................equitism
feminist................equitist
filthy..................consciousness expanding
fireman.................firefighter
fishing.................raping the oceans
foul....................challenging
freak...................gift from God
fur.....................dead animal skins
Friday, May 25, 2007
12 Things Not To Say To A Cop Joke
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Thursday, May 24, 2007
5 Toughest Questions Women Ask Joke
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1. "What are you thinking?"
2. "Do you love me?"
3. "Do I look fat?"
4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5. "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man answers incorrectly (ie tells the truth!). For example:
1. "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2. "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear". Wrong answers include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
e. That depends on what you mean by "love".
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b. Compared to what?
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
The five questions are:
1. "What are you thinking?"
2. "Do you love me?"
3. "Do I look fat?"
4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5. "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man answers incorrectly (ie tells the truth!). For example:
1. "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2. "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear". Wrong answers include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
e. That depends on what you mean by "love".
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b. Compared to what?
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Baseball In Heaven Joke
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Emotional Male Joke
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening, she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening, she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
Monday, May 21, 2007
3 Travellers Identifying Their Country Joke
Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne (in a balloon). The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed.
"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."
"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed.
"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."
Sunday, May 20, 2007
3 Bears Revised Joke
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For goodness's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For goodness's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Blonde Catches Cheating Boyfriend Joke
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up! You're next!"
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up! You're next!"
Friday, May 18, 2007
Cure For Cough Joke
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"
The clerk replies, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"
The clerk replies, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Talking Too Much Joke
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Thought-Provoking Questions Joke
1. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
2. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
3. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
4. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
5. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
6. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
7. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
8. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
9. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!"
10. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
11. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
12. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
13. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
14. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
15. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
2. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
3. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
4. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
5. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
6. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
7. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
8. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
9. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!"
10. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
11. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
12. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
13. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
14. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
15. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
New Employee Placement Joke
How to Place New Employees in a Proper Department.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Kid's Views Of Mothers
Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter - then she would know my sister did it and not me.
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter - then she would know my sister did it and not me.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
A Mother's Resolutions (Mother's Day Joke)
A Mother's Resolutions
1. When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool.
2. When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep.
3. I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop."
4. I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself.
5. I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog's fur.
6. I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent.
7. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse.
8. When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.
9. When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read."
10. I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather.
11. I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables.
12. When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny.
13. I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times.
14. When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags.
15. I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.
1. When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool.
2. When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep.
3. I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop."
4. I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself.
5. I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog's fur.
6. I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent.
7. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse.
8. When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.
9. When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read."
10. I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather.
11. I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables.
12. When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny.
13. I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times.
14. When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags.
15. I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Mother's Day Joke
There were 4 brothers who were very successful in life. They each decided to give their mother a gift for Mother's Day.
Jeffrey gave her a big house.
Jackie gave her a big $75,000 home theater system.
Jimmy gave her an expensive car.
The fourth brother, Johnny said, "My Mom’s eyesight is not very good. I met this pastor who took 20 years to train a parrot to recite the entire Bible. I had to contribute $200,000 to the church building fund to buy this parrot. Let me tell you, it was worth it! All Mom has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
All the other brothers were so impressed.
After receiving the gifts, the Mom sent Thank You notes to her sons:
Jeffrey, the house you gave me is so huge. I live only in one room but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway, Mom.
Jackie, the home theater can hold 25 people but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm almost blind. Thanks anyway. Mom.
Jimmy, the car is nice but I am too old to go out of the house and you know I can’t drive. Thanks anyway, Mom.
DEAREST JOHNNY: You are the only son who gave thought to your gift. That colorful little chicken was delicious! Thank You, Mom.
Jeffrey gave her a big house.
Jackie gave her a big $75,000 home theater system.
Jimmy gave her an expensive car.
The fourth brother, Johnny said, "My Mom’s eyesight is not very good. I met this pastor who took 20 years to train a parrot to recite the entire Bible. I had to contribute $200,000 to the church building fund to buy this parrot. Let me tell you, it was worth it! All Mom has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
All the other brothers were so impressed.
After receiving the gifts, the Mom sent Thank You notes to her sons:
Jeffrey, the house you gave me is so huge. I live only in one room but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway, Mom.
Jackie, the home theater can hold 25 people but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm almost blind. Thanks anyway. Mom.
Jimmy, the car is nice but I am too old to go out of the house and you know I can’t drive. Thanks anyway, Mom.
DEAREST JOHNNY: You are the only son who gave thought to your gift. That colorful little chicken was delicious! Thank You, Mom.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Lawyer's Hands Joke
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a
lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Silent Treatment Joke
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The following week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and lose, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"
The following week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and lose, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Hormone Hostage Joke
Every "hormone hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Prayer For Car Accident Joke
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Monday, May 7, 2007
Proverbs And Counter-Proverbs
The following are everyday proverbs we often quote without thinking, and without realizing that they actually contradict each other!
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.
The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.
The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Dying Of Thirst In The Dessert Joke
A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.
"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water."
"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties."
"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.
"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a tie!"
"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water."
"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties."
"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.
"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a tie!"
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Believing The Bible Joke
A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.
A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"
"Every word," she replied.
"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?"
"Absolutely," she said.
"What about God creating the universe in six days?"
"All true, I believe every word."
"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in the belly of a whale?" he asks.
"Yes, I believe that too," she says.
"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"
"I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he's not in Heaven?," the guy asks.
The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"
A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"
"Every word," she replied.
"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?"
"Absolutely," she said.
"What about God creating the universe in six days?"
"All true, I believe every word."
"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in the belly of a whale?" he asks.
"Yes, I believe that too," she says.
"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"
"I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he's not in Heaven?," the guy asks.
The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"
Friday, May 4, 2007
Blonde's First Football Game Joke
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied,"especially the cute guys with all the big muscles; but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
Helloooo? It's only 25 cents!"
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied,"especially the cute guys with all the big muscles; but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
Helloooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Talking Parrot Joke
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.
You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.
You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Calling Lawyer's Office Joke
A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Oreo Eaters Pesonality Guide Joke
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting and carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly.
You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked.
Everyone likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, like to wear nice things and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting and carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly.
You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked.
Everyone likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, like to wear nice things and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.
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