1. Nice bible
2. I would like to pray with you
3. You know Jesus? Me too!
4. God told me to come talk to you
5. I know a church where we could go and talk
6. How about a hug, sister?
7. Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8. Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug
9. Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11
10. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11. What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12. I am here for you.
13. The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry", how about dinner?
14. You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15. You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
16. Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17. Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18. Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? I, I, mean "What Would Jesus Do"
19. Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20. Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
21. Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22. My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus yeah that's his name.
23. You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.
24. Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.
25. What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
26. We have to hold hands when we pray so the circle won't be broken.
27. God has used you to teach me what true love really is.
28. Christians kiss before parting - it's an old Jewish tradition.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Life In The Monastery Joke
Brother Baku entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Head Friar said, "Welcome Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother Baku lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: "Brother Baku, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."
Brother Baku said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Head Friar said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother Baku was called by the Head Friar. "You may say another two words Brother Baku."
"Cold food," said Brother Baku, and the Head Friar assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Head Friar summoned Brother Baku to hear his allowed two words.
"I quit," said Brother Baku.
"It is probably best," said the Head Friar. "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here."
Brother Baku lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: "Brother Baku, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."
Brother Baku said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Head Friar said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother Baku was called by the Head Friar. "You may say another two words Brother Baku."
"Cold food," said Brother Baku, and the Head Friar assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Head Friar summoned Brother Baku to hear his allowed two words.
"I quit," said Brother Baku.
"It is probably best," said the Head Friar. "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here."
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Marriage Quotes Joke
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
18. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
20. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
21. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
22. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
23. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
24. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
Lighs on.
25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.
26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
29. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
18. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
20. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
21. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
22. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
23. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
24. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
Lighs on.
25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.
26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
29. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Joke
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my bike?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce mydaughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my bike?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce mydaughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Shit Happens! Joke
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens."
Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion.
Islam: Shit happening is the will of Allah.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Christian Science: If shit happens, pray and it will go away.
Atheism: Shit happens for no reason.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens...
Stoicism: Shit happens. I can take it.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens."
Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion.
Islam: Shit happening is the will of Allah.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Christian Science: If shit happens, pray and it will go away.
Atheism: Shit happens for no reason.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens...
Stoicism: Shit happens. I can take it.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Woman Joke
Things you should never say to a pregnant woman:
"Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!"
"No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair is a bit habit forming."
"Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long."
"What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!"
"So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?"
"Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..."
"Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!"
"Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll leave for the hospital."
"Since your contractions are so far apart, how about cooking us some boiled cabbage and sourkraut before we leave?"
"Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes."
"But why can't you trim your own toe nails?"
..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror just after
taking a bath.
"Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!"
"No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair is a bit habit forming."
"Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long."
"What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!"
"So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?"
"Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..."
"Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!"
"Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll leave for the hospital."
"Since your contractions are so far apart, how about cooking us some boiled cabbage and sourkraut before we leave?"
"Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes."
"But why can't you trim your own toe nails?"
..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror just after
taking a bath.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Police Locker Room Joke
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Only In America Joke
1. Only in America.... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America.... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America.... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America.... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America.... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America.... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America.... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America.... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America.... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
2. Only in America.... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America.... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America.... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America.... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America.... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America.... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America.... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America.... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Dead Duck At The Vet Joke
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$250!" she cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $250.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$250!" she cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $250.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Blonde Parking Joke
Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park............ "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do.. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park............ "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do.. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Letters To Landlords Joke
Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it
is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man
next door.
3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the
wall.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would
like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about
it.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
color and not fit to drink.
10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got
her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it
is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man
next door.
3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the
wall.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would
like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about
it.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
color and not fit to drink.
10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got
her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
What Do Women Really Want? Joke
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch - only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch - only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Executive In Hell Joke
One day while walking down the street a highly successful
executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far
and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd
like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and
it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening
wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both
cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as
she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly
Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,"
he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it
her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and
all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back
to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm
around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you. Today you're staff."
executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far
and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd
like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and
it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening
wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both
cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as
she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly
Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,"
he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it
her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and
all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back
to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm
around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you. Today you're staff."
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Advice To Criminals Joke
If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot...*Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.
When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.
If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.
*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic
stop.
*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.
*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.
When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's boot.
*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.
*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.
When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.
If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.
*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic
stop.
*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.
*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.
When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's boot.
*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Male Female ATM Procedures Joke
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents
on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell pho ne.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents
on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell pho ne.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Catholic Conversion Joke
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.
The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.
As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.
The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.
As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Legal Cross-Examination Joke
These are supposedly from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 15th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
___________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
___________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
___________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
___________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
___________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
___________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
___________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
___________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
___________
And, the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Well, I guess it's possible he could be out practicing law somewhere here in America!!
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 15th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
___________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
___________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
___________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
___________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
___________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
___________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
___________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
___________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
___________
And, the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Well, I guess it's possible he could be out practicing law somewhere here in America!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Mid-Life For Women One Liners Joke
Mid-life for Women.
1. Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
2. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
3. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
4. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
5. You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
6. Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like Splat!
7. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
8. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life...jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
9. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
10. Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
11. Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.
12. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big"
questions - what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
1. Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
2. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
3. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
4. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
5. You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
6. Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like Splat!
7. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
8. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life...jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
9. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
10. Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
11. Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.
12. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big"
questions - what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Life Before The Computer Poem Joke
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Living Too Long Joke
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your soy burgers, I could have been here ten years ago!"
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your soy burgers, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Lessons My Mother Taught Me Joke
My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS...
"I just scrubbed that floor. Go outside and bleed in the garden."
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing --- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU... then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS...
"I just scrubbed that floor. Go outside and bleed in the garden."
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing --- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU... then you'll see what it's like."
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Academic Phrases Explained Joke
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"...Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...I quit.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"...Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...I quit.
Friday, March 9, 2007
The Saddest Story Joke
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car..."
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car..."
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Computer User Rules To Live By Joke Part 3
Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Suport Department:
41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 1904.
43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. support. We love to hack.
44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.
46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
47. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. We get the black toner for free.
48. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department. People out in Wagga Wagga like to keep abreast of what's going on.
49. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
50. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.
51. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're eating. We're good at talking shop with mouths full.
52. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.
53. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.
54. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.
55. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.
56. If you miss Windows 3.1, find the line that goes shell=explorer.exe in your SYSTEM.INI file and replace it with shell=progman.exe. It makes troubleshooting infinitely easier when we ask you whether you have a Start button at the bottom of your screen and you truthfully answer us that you don't.
57. If you hate PC's, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer.
58. When you detect a French accent in an I.T. person's voice, switch to French. We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either.
59. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this could have been remotely possible.
60. Keep it crashin'!
41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 1904.
43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. support. We love to hack.
44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.
46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
47. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. We get the black toner for free.
48. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department. People out in Wagga Wagga like to keep abreast of what's going on.
49. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
50. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the next major release.
51. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're eating. We're good at talking shop with mouths full.
52. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.
53. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.
54. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.
55. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.
56. If you miss Windows 3.1, find the line that goes shell=explorer.exe in your SYSTEM.INI file and replace it with shell=progman.exe. It makes troubleshooting infinitely easier when we ask you whether you have a Start button at the bottom of your screen and you truthfully answer us that you don't.
57. If you hate PC's, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer.
58. When you detect a French accent in an I.T. person's voice, switch to French. We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either.
59. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this could have been remotely possible.
60. Keep it crashin'!
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Computer User Rules To Live By Joke Part 2
Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Suport Department:
21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.
22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.
23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack."
26. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime money.
28. When an I.T. person makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.
29. When you have an I.T. person fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.
31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that's why we're such a bunch of little twerps.
32. When an I.T. person asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
33. When an I.T. person finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell them you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell a lie if it kicked us in the face.
34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.
35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.
38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Heck, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
39. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer nonsense." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as nonsense.
21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.
22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.
23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack."
26. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime money.
28. When an I.T. person makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.
29. When you have an I.T. person fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.
31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that's why we're such a bunch of little twerps.
32. When an I.T. person asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
33. When an I.T. person finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell them you've never seen those before. We couldn't tell a lie if it kicked us in the face.
34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.
35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.
38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Heck, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
39. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer nonsense." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as nonsense.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Computer User Rules To Live By Joke Part 1
Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Suport Department:
1. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
2. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.
3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers,bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
6. When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. When an I.T. person is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.
9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
10. When you call an I.T. person's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call.
You're entitled to common courtesy.
11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here.
13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.
16. When an I.T. person tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.
18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call I.T. support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.
19. When you have an I.T. person on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
20. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.
1. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
2. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.
3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers,bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
6. When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. When an I.T. person is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.
9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
10. When you call an I.T. person's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call.
You're entitled to common courtesy.
11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here.
13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.
16. When an I.T. person tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.
18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call I.T. support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.
19. When you have an I.T. person on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
20. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Cooking Definitions Joke
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Email Not Working Joke
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M'"
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M'"
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Why Star Wars Is Better Than The Titanic Joke
1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
2. Yoda could've used the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material. Rose is just marriage bait.
4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
5. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
6. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
7. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people & blows up planets for fun.
8. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? *NOTE* Is this a scary premonition: Anakin DeCaprio?
9. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
10. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
11. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
12. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
13. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
14. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!
15. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father"?
16. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a minor character.
17. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a fool of himself at the Oscars.
18. Titanic morals: 1) gamble, 2) cheat on your husband, 3) pose nude for pictures, 4) premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated, 5) let undesirables drown.
Star Wars morals: 1) fight evil, 2) do good, 3) respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, 4) rescue princess, 5) save planet.
2. Yoda could've used the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material. Rose is just marriage bait.
4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
5. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
6. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
7. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people & blows up planets for fun.
8. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? *NOTE* Is this a scary premonition: Anakin DeCaprio?
9. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
10. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
11. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
12. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
13. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
14. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!
15. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father"?
16. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a minor character.
17. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a fool of himself at the Oscars.
18. Titanic morals: 1) gamble, 2) cheat on your husband, 3) pose nude for pictures, 4) premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated, 5) let undesirables drown.
Star Wars morals: 1) fight evil, 2) do good, 3) respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, 4) rescue princess, 5) save planet.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Model Dental Patient Joke
The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist dmiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist dmiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Definitions Of Foreign Phrases Joke
Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered
VENI, VIDI, VISA
I came, I saw, I shopped.
COGITO EGGO SUM
I think, therefore I am ... a waffle
QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal
LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI
The king is dead. No kidding
POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old
HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food
QUIP PRO QUO
A fast retort
ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know
MAZEL TON
Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it
CARNE DIEM
Seize the meat
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered
VENI, VIDI, VISA
I came, I saw, I shopped.
COGITO EGGO SUM
I think, therefore I am ... a waffle
QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal
LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI
The king is dead. No kidding
POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old
HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food
QUIP PRO QUO
A fast retort
ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know
MAZEL TON
Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it
CARNE DIEM
Seize the meat
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