Insomniac, Agnostic And Dyslexic Joke

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Quotes On Men And Women Joke

Women have more imagination than men do.
They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.

Women have their faults.
Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct - they like to be a man's last romance.

To women love is an occupation.
To men it is a preoccupation.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Husbands are like cars - all of them are good the first year.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If women knew what men were thinking they'd never stop slapping them.

Men are like animals but they make great pets.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man will cherish the memory of the woman he didn't marry.

Psychiatric Patient Start At The Beginning Joke

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

Laws Of The Toddler Joke

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

This applies to many grown-ups too!

Dead Mule In Church Joke

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Mother Supporting Children Joke

My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"

"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."

Lost In A Hot Air Baloon Joke

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Car Brand Names Revealed Joke

A reference guide for car buyers and owners.

AUDI:
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW:
Bought My Wife
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women but
Broke My Wallet

CHEVROLET:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

DODGE:
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dead On the Day Guarantee Expires

FIAT:
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD:
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM:
Garbage Motors
Gluteus Maximus

HONDA:
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles

HYUNDAI:
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

PORSCHE:
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB:
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU:
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO:
Very Old Looking Vehicular Object

Blondes Changing Light Bulb Joke

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Travel Brochure Phrases Explained Joke

“Old world charm” = Room and a bath

“Tropical” = Rainy

“Majestic setting” = A long way from town, at end of dirt road

“Options galore” = Nothing is included in the itinerary

“Secluded hideaway” = Directions to the location are unclear

“Some budget rooms” = Sorry, already occupied

“Explore on your own” = At your own expense

“Knowledgeable trip hosts” = They've flown in an airplane before

“No extra fees” = No extras

“Nominal fee” = Outrageous charge

“Standard” = Sub-standard

“Deluxe” = Barely Standard

“Superior accommodations” = One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap

“All the amenities” = Two chocolates, two shower caps

“Plush” = Both top and bottom sheets

“Gentle breezes” = In hurricane alley

“Light and airy” = No air conditioning

“Picturesque” = Theme park nearby

“24-hour bar” = Ice cubes at additional cost - when available

How Do Dogs Change A Light Bulb? Joke

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

Police Monkey Joke

A tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in small unit tactics - well worth the money!"

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrol monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basic firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques, and it can even type.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."

Grandma's New Baby Joke

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put her."

Perfect Husband Joke

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A-Z Word Definitions Joke

These words should be added into the dictionary.

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.

Obliment: an obligatory compliment.

Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.

Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.

Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.

Blonde Selling Car Joke

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said her friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

10 Facts About Men Joke

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Word Definitions Joke

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.

Missionary Kid Joke

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY KID WHEN...

You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"

You speak two languages, but can't spell either.

You flew before you could walk.

You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.

You have a passport, but no driver's license.

You watch National Geographic specials and recognise someone.

You have a time zone map next to your telephone.

You don't know how to play conmputer games.

You would rather eat seaweed than cafeteria food.

Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..." five times.

You speak to different ethnic groups in their own language.

You think in grams, metres, and litres.

You speak with authority on the quality of airline travel.

You send your family peanut butter and Kool-Aid for Christmas.

You worry about fitting in, and wear a native wrap around the dorm.

You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.

You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation.

You don't know where home is.

Strangers say they can remember you when you were "this tall."

You have friends from or in 29 different countries.

You do your devotions in another language.

You sort your friends by continent.

You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.

You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get big.

You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any postal service.

You realise that furlough is not a vacation.

You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.

You've spoken in dozens of churches, but aren't a pastor.

Furlough means that you are stuffed every night... and have to eat it all to seem polite.

Your parents decline your cousin's offer to let them use his BMW, and stuff all six of you into an old VW Beetle instead.

You stockpile mangoes.

You know what REAL coffee tastes like.

The majority of your friends don't speak English as a first language.

Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the sport wrong.

You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.

You know there is no such thing as an international language.

You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism.

You realise what a small world it is, after all.

You never take anything for granted.

You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you know what the nationals are REALLY saying into the camera.

You know how to pack.

All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin roof.

Having four distinct seasons other than: dry, very dry, rainy, very rainy, is a new experience.

After a couple of years in one spot, you're ready to move again.

You frequently say, "I don't know, I was out of the country."

You feel uncomfortable in school without a uniform.

School gets cancelled due to flash flooding.

Tropical fruits aren't imported.

Walking miles to and from school is "normal."

If someone asks what school you went to, you reply, "depends on the year."

You are afraid to ask what you are eating. But munch away, with a smile on your face.

National Geographic makes you homesick.

Harold The Computer Guy Joke

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down.

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

Army Time Joke

On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"

Retirement Questions And Answers Joke

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

What Not To Say On A First Date Joke

1. I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.

2. I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?"

3. This is my apartment, but don't break anything, or you'll have to pay for it.

4. Here, have a tic-tac. It's on me.

5. (To the waitress) Could I have your phone number?

6. Before we go back to my place, you're not afraid of cockroaches, are you?

7. Hey, check out the babe sittin' in the corner. Wow, what a body!

8. What? Oh, I thought you were paying.

9. Nice dress. I have one at home just like it.

10. So my hand slipped, and the knife cut about half an inch into my thumb, and the blood was gushing all over the place, so I went to the emergency room to have it stitched up, but it kept throbbing, and swelling, and, oh, but I see you're eating.

11. I want to move out, but my mom really needs me. And, who else is gonna make my lunch? And my bed? And clean my room?

12. No, I don't have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. I'm building a submarine, when I'm not playing with my inflatable doll.

13. (Looking at her plate) "Are you going to finish that?

14. The mother ship will be returning next June. Then I'll be leaving for Neptune. Hey, here's a thought. You should come with me!

15. My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?

16. Well, I don't go out in public all too often. And I don't like to be touched, so don't touch me. And try not to stare at me. And let me know if anybody else is staring at me.

17. Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.

18. Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.

19. I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.

20. Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.

21. Wait till my wife hears about this!

22. I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

23. I really had a good time tonight, uh, um, what the hell was your name again?

50th Wedding Anniversary Joke

At a marriage seminar, the Pastor asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes to share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

Brother Ralph told the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired, "Trips to where?". "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China," Ralph replied.

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th wedding anniversary?"

Ralph replied, "I'm going back to get her."

Best Patients To Operate On Joke

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and tail are interchangeable."

Three Holy Men And A Bear Joke

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Actual Police Comments Joke

These 16 police comments were allegedly taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

25th Wedding Anniversary Joke

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Simple Home Remedies Joke

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Politics Defined Joke

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so Call me President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." "The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Church Golden Phone Joke

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decides to write a book about churches around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east from there.

He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price
he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.

As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee, Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."