How Men And Dogs Are Alike Joke

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.

3. Both are threatened by their own kind.

4. Both mark their territory.

5. Both are suspicious of the postman.

6. Both are bad at asking you questions.

7. Both pass gas shamelessly.

8. Both like dominance games.

9. Both tend to smell riper with age.

10. Neither of them tells you what's bothering them.

11. Neither of them does dishes.

12. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

13. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

14. Neither understands what you see in cats.

15. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How To Make A Woman Happy Joke

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY?

It's really not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
17. a psychologist
18. a pest exterminator
19. a psychiatrist
20. a healer
21. a good listener
22. an organizer
23. a good father
24. very clean
25. sympathetic
26. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1 . Leave him in peace.

Doctor, Lawyer, Little Boy And Priest Joke

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Gender Of Objects Joke

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1. Ziploc Bags - They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Copiers - They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tire - Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4. Hot Air Balloon - Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5. Sponges - Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6. Web Page - Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7. Subway - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8. Hourglass - Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9. Hammer - Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10. Remote Control - Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Church Gossip Joke

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!

Dog And Cat's Diary Joke

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.  More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies."  Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

First Kiss Joke

At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!"

Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”

Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”

Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”

Her: No, no. I just can’t.”

Him: “I beg you....”

Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

Talking Dog Joke

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

Blonde Ice Fishing Joke

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, God?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

Hair Cut Joke

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a tie to wear to the party," he said. "I'll be backin a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

The Husband Store Joke

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

New Preacher Joke

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose - repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"

New Office Terms Joke

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit Cityatosis.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him - he's 404, man."

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, or housing development subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."

GOOD ("Get-Out-Of-Debt") Job - A well-paying job people will take to pay off their debts, which they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the daylights out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and all the co-workers' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

Umfriend - A relationship of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale, my...um...friend."

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

Male Phrases Explained Joke

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

My Name Begins With "M" Joke

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a Mother."

10 Reasons God Created Eve Joke

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.

And the NUMBER ONE reason...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."

New Voice Mail For School Joke

We have employed a new voice mail system and would like the staff to have knowledge of how it operates. When you are dialing school, please call the number provided.

You will then be answered by a cheery voice from us that will give you a menu of options to meet your needs.

These are:

To lie about why your child is absent Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work Press 2

To complain about what we do Press 3

To fuss at a staff members Press 4

To ask why you didn't get needed information that was in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you Press 5

If you want us to raise your child Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone Press 7

If you really have an emergency, dial 9-1-1 because all these other lines will be busy.

Cure For Cough Joke

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

The assistant replies, "Yes, he was. He had the most terrible cough, and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

The pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

The assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"

Blonde Shops For Curtains Joke

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

George Bush And Moses Joke

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W.
and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him. The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!"

Medical Exam Answers Joke

Question: Define The Following Terms

Antibody: Against everyone.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Benign: What you've been after eight.
Cardiology: Advance study of poker playing.
Cat Scan: Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic: Neck of a crow.
Coma: Punctuation mark.
Cyst: Short of sister.
Diagnosis: Person with slanted nose.
Dislocation: In this place.
Duodenum: Couple in jeans.
Enema: Not a friend.
False Labor: Pretending to work.
Gallbladder: Bladder in a girl.
Hernia: She is close by.
Labor Pain: Hurt at work.
Lactose: Person without digits on feet.
Lymph: Walk unsteadily.
Menopause: I no wait.
Microbes: Small dressing gowns.
Obesity: City of Obe.
Pacemaker: Winner of Nobel Peace Prize.
Protein: In favor of teens.
Pus: Small cat.
Red Blood Count: Dracula.
Rupture: Ecstasy.
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Serum: A sailor's drink.
Subcutaneous: Not cute enough.
Tablet: Small table.

Politicians In A Bus Accident Joke

A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?".

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Cure For Marriage Troubles Joke

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Pastor And The Lawn Mover Joke

A Pastor was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the Pastor.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the Pastor asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The Pastor took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The Pastor called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to curse and swear at it to get it started." The Pastor said, "I am a minister, and I cannot curse. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to curse."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

Parents Getting A Divorce Joke

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about!" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, " the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "They're getting a divorce? I don't think do so!" she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until we get there. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "It worked. They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way. Now we have to think up something for Christmas!"

Medical Records Joke

The following are apparently actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:

- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

- The patient refused an autopsy.

- The patient has no past history of suicides.

- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

- Male patient insists that his HIV was inherited, and not from sexual activity.

- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

- Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.

- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Deputy Sheriff Job Interview Joke

Simple Simon applied for a deputy sheriff's job. In the interview, the sheriff asked him, "What's one and one?"

Simon answered, "Eleven."

This wasn't what the sheriff meant, but he had to admit the boy was right. Next question: "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was impressed by the way Simon thought outside the box, so he challenged him. "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Simon looked surprized and admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, go home and work on that for a while," replied the sheriff, satisfied that he'd stumped him.

Simon went home and told his mother, "The interview went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Kid's Answers To Adult Questions Joke

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rul e)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)

2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands!)

Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention Joke

80,001 blondes met at the Wembley Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." The compere says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

One blonde steps up. The compere says to her "What is 15 plus 15?" After 20 seconds she says "18?"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The compere says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give her another chance."So he says "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "90?"

The compere sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying and 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her nother chance."

The compere, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "4".

Around the stadium 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

Law Firm Chain Of Command Joke

Managing Partner
• Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a locomotive
• Is faster than a speeding bullet
• Walks on water
• Gives policy to God

Senior Partner
• Leaps short buildings in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a switch engine
• Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
• Walks on water if the sea is calm
• Talks with God

Junior Partner
• Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
• Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
• Is faster than a speeding bullet
• Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Assistant Solicitor
• Barely clears a Quonset hut
• Loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive
• Can fire a speeding bullet
• Swims well
• Is occasionally addressed by God

Officer Manager
• Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap tall buildings
• Is run over by locomotives
• Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
• Dog paddles
• Talks to animals

Paralegal
• Runs into buildings
• Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
• Is not issued ammunition
• Can stay afloat with a life jacket
• Talks to walls

Trainee Solicitor
• Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
• Says "Look at the Choo-Choo!"
• Wets himself with a water pistol
• Plays in mud puddles
• Mumbles to himself

Secretary
• Lifts buildings and walks under them
• Kicks locomotives off the track
• Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
• Freezes water with a single glance
• She IS God