Medical Records Joke

The following are apparently actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:

- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

- The patient refused an autopsy.

- The patient has no past history of suicides.

- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

- Male patient insists that his HIV was inherited, and not from sexual activity.

- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

- Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.

- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.