What Not To Put On A Resume Joke

These are some alleged real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

1. "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

2. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

3. "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

4. "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

5. "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

6. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

7. "I am a rabid typist."

8. "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

9. "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

10. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

11. "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

12. "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

13."My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

14. "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

15."I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

16. "Qualifications: No education or experience."

17. "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

18. "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"