Car Ad Definitions Joke

If the ad claims... It really means

"rough condition"... too bad to lie about

"parts car"... beyond repair

"immaculate"... recently washed

"engine quiet"... if you use 90-weight oil

"needs minor overhaul"... needs engine

"needs major overhaul"... Phone the junkyard

"burns no oil"... it all leaks out

"drive it away"... I live on a hill

"drive it anywhere"... within 10 miles

"desirable classic"... No one wants it.

"rare classic"... No one wanted it even when it was new.

"stored 20 years"... (in a farmer's field)

"ran when stored"... Won't start

How To Be A Good Husband Joke

A good husband...

...consistently spills things in the same location so as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet.

...sees to it that he doesn't always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly twin-divots.

...masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.

...is able to avoid use of the same excuse two times in a row.

...has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.

...dmits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a "date" or family home evening (where applicable).

...has learned all of the childrens' names so that he doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there..."

...knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as, "It's definitely an interesting dress."

What Store Employees Really Mean Joke

1. "Can I help you get a size?"
(Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your hands messing it up again.)

2. "Do you need help with anything?"
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

3. "Welcome to (Store Name Here)"
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)

4. "Have a nice day!"
(Now that you ruined mine.)

5. "Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)"
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?"
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)

7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?"
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)

8. "Can I help you get something down?"
(I'll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.)

9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it"
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)

10. "No, we don't have any more in the back"
(I just don't want to check.)

Beautiful Wife Joke

One day I was reading a newspaper. On page two was a picture of a famous politician and his gorgeous wife.

Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful wives."

My wife smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."