At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Simple Home Remedies Joke
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Politics Defined Joke
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so Call me President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." "The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." "The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Church Golden Phone Joke
It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decides to write a book about churches around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east from there.
He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price
he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee, Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."
He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price
he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee, Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."
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