How Men And Dogs Are Alike Joke

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.

3. Both are threatened by their own kind.

4. Both mark their territory.

5. Both are suspicious of the postman.

6. Both are bad at asking you questions.

7. Both pass gas shamelessly.

8. Both like dominance games.

9. Both tend to smell riper with age.

10. Neither of them tells you what's bothering them.

11. Neither of them does dishes.

12. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

13. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

14. Neither understands what you see in cats.

15. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How To Make A Woman Happy Joke

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY?

It's really not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
17. a psychologist
18. a pest exterminator
19. a psychiatrist
20. a healer
21. a good listener
22. an organizer
23. a good father
24. very clean
25. sympathetic
26. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1 . Leave him in peace.

Doctor, Lawyer, Little Boy And Priest Joke

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Gender Of Objects Joke

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1. Ziploc Bags - They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Copiers - They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tire - Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4. Hot Air Balloon - Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5. Sponges - Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6. Web Page - Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7. Subway - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8. Hourglass - Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9. Hammer - Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10. Remote Control - Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.