No Email Address Joke

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also.

Your Dog Is Dead Joke

Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"

James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead."

"What?" says Phil. "You can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning; you have to ease them into it."

"How?" asks James.

"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof. Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get it down, when it jumped off of the roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be ok, but that it will have to stay at the vet's for a while. Are you getting all of this???"

"Yes," says James.

"Good." says Phil. "Then the next day when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.

"Well..." James replies, "she's on the roof."

Write Down To Remember Things Joke

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

Politically Correct Terms & Phrases N-Z

negative................uninformed
negro...................African American
negroes.................African Americans
negroid.................African American
newspaper................processed tree carcass
newspapers..............processed tree carcasses
normal..................blatently normal
office boy..............office assistant
old joke................previously recounted humorous narrative
old person..............gerontologically advanced
old.....................experientially enhanced
paper...................processed tree skeleton
pathetic................unique
patient.................guest
patients................guests
pensioner...............elder
perverted...............sexually dysfunctional
pet rock................mineral companion
pet.....................animal companion
pets....................animal companions
philistine..............disadvantaged person
policeman...............law enforcement officer
politically correct.....culturally sensitive
poor....................economically unprepared
poor....................economically exploited
postman.................postperson
pregnant................parasitically oppressed
pretty..................different
priestess...............priest
prisoner................guest of the correctional system
prisoners...............guests of the correctional system
problem.................task
promiscuous.............sexually active
prostitute..............sex care provider
psychopath..............socially misaligned person
psychotic...............socially misaligned
race....................ethnicity
remedial................additional preparation
right-hand man..........chief assistant
rude....................politically correct
seamstress..............seamstron
seducer.................seductron
seductress..............seductron
seeress.................seer
seminar.................ovarium
severely crippled.......involved
sex change..............gender reassignment
shit....................fertilizer
shoplifter..............non-traditional shopper
short...................vertically challenged
sighted person..........temporarily visually abled
slave...................enslaved person
sloppy..................non-traditionally ordered
slum....................economic oppression zone (EOZ)
snowman.................snowperson
sorcerer................sorceron
sorceress...............sorceron
spendthrift.............negative saver
steak...................scorched animal corpses
stewardess..............flight attendant
stoned..................chemically inconvenienced
straw man...............straw person
stupid..................neuronically challenged
superior................different
table...................tree skeleton
tall....................vertically inconvenienced
taxi driver.............public passenger vehicle driver
terrible................O.K
The Establishment.......White Power Elite
trees...................oxygen exchange units
tribe...................people
ugly....................cosmetically different
underling...............downtrodden
unemployed..............indefinitely idled
used books..............recycled books
useless.................unique
value...................relative value
victim..................survivor
violence................passionate expression
violent.................passionate
waiter..................waitron
waitress................waitron
want....................prefer on the whole
war.....................mutually empowering shared experience
whaler..................blubber lover
white male..............oppressor
white male..............racist
white person............racist
white trash.............PC unaware
white...................blatantly white
wild....................free-roaming
wino....................substance abuse survivor
women...................wimmin
wool....................stolen nonhuman animal fibers
workman.................worker
worse...................somewhat less desirable
worst...................least best
wrong...................differently logical
young girl..............prewoman
young girls.............prewomen
zoo.....................animalcatraz