When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)
When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Insurance So Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)
Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)
Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Bumper Stickers Joke
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
Monday, December 25, 2006
Christmas Greetings From The Legal Department Joke
THIS GREETING, made this 25th day of December, 2001 by and between the Legal Department (Wishor) and you and anyone else that receives this message (Wishee).
WITNESSETH: That in consideration of the mutual covenants and agreements to be kept and performed on the part of said parties hereto, respectively as herein stated, the said party of the first part (Wishor) does hereby covenant and agree that it shall
I. extend without obligation, implied or implicit, best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and
II. wish a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of Wishee.
NOW, THEREFORE, by accepting this greeting Wishee is bound by these terms as follows:
1. This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
2. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the Wishor are acknowledged.
3. This greeting implies no promise by the Wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
4. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain Wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor.
5. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
6. The Wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the Wishor.
7. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord," "Father Christmas," "Our Saviour," or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
WITNESSETH: That in consideration of the mutual covenants and agreements to be kept and performed on the part of said parties hereto, respectively as herein stated, the said party of the first part (Wishor) does hereby covenant and agree that it shall
I. extend without obligation, implied or implicit, best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and
II. wish a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of Wishee.
NOW, THEREFORE, by accepting this greeting Wishee is bound by these terms as follows:
1. This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
2. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the Wishor are acknowledged.
3. This greeting implies no promise by the Wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
4. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain Wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor.
5. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
6. The Wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the Wishor.
7. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord," "Father Christmas," "Our Saviour," or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
In Heaven On Christmas Eve Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Airport Mistletoe Joke
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Friday, December 22, 2006
Christmas Letter To God Joke
Little Desmond came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. Christmas was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Desmond was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Desmond's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Desmond, of course, thought he did. Desmond's mother, being a good Catholic, wanted Desmond to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Desmond, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Desmond stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Desmond
Desmond knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Desmond
Desmond knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.
LETTER 3:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Desmond
Desmond knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Desmond was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Desmond's mother thought her plan had worked as Desmond looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Desmond's mother told him.
Desmond walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Desmond went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Desmond bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Desmond began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
Little Desmond was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Desmond's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Desmond, of course, thought he did. Desmond's mother, being a good Catholic, wanted Desmond to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Desmond, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Desmond stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Desmond
Desmond knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Desmond
Desmond knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.
LETTER 3:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Desmond
Desmond knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Desmond was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Desmond's mother thought her plan had worked as Desmond looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Desmond's mother told him.
Desmond walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Desmond went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Desmond bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Desmond began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
Thursday, December 21, 2006
3 Wise Women Joke
A Thought For Christmas
Do you know what would have happened
If they had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth.
Do you know what would have happened
If they had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Christmas Memo Joke
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Mummy's Christmas Wish List Joke
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays only big-people music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can be heard only by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs in his pajamas to eat contraband ice cream at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, Mom
P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young...
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays only big-people music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can be heard only by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs in his pajamas to eat contraband ice cream at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, Mom
P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young...
Monday, December 18, 2006
Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged Joke
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Telling Blonde Jokes
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6'5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6'5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Payment With Kisses Joke
Husband working abroad wrote to his wife...
Dear Sweetheart,
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. Muaks!
You are my sweetheart.
Your husband,
--------------------------------------------------
His wife replied...
Sweetheart Dearest,
Thanks for the 100 kisses, below is the list of expenses...
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items... (hope u understand??)
5. Other expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for next month?
Dear Sweetheart,
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. Muaks!
You are my sweetheart.
Your husband,
--------------------------------------------------
His wife replied...
Sweetheart Dearest,
Thanks for the 100 kisses, below is the list of expenses...
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items... (hope u understand??)
5. Other expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for next month?
Friday, December 15, 2006
What The Doctor Really Thinks Joke
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
- I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little."
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
- That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
- I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little."
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
- That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
The 12 Days of Christmas Joke
From: Lydia Zeltow December 14
My dearest darling John:
Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree? Thank you a hundred times!
All my love forever,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow December 15
Dearest John:
I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're adorable. Thanks again!
Love always,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow December 16
Dear John:
Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens!
Love,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow December 17
Dear John:
Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic?
Affectionately,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to wonder about you!
Love,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. Please stop.
Cordially,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow December 20
John:
What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop!
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow December 21
O.K. Buster:
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds - they had to bring their cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, smartass.
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow December 22
Hey Bonehead:
What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you thinking?!
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow December 23
You rotten jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies." They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you.
====================================
Lydia Zeltow December 24
Listen you "#$%&*^#"
Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to death in the orgy. The pipers have even started getting the cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten
vicious swine!!!
Your sworn enemy
====================================
Harrison Burnsley, Esq. December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and peace of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or contact Ms. Zeltow at the sanitarium where she now resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on sight.
My dearest darling John:
Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree? Thank you a hundred times!
All my love forever,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow
Dearest John:
I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're adorable. Thanks again!
Love always,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow
Dear John:
Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens!
Love,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow
Dear John:
Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic?
Affectionately,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to wonder about you!
Love,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. Please stop.
Cordially,
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow
John:
What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop!
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow
O.K. Buster:
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds - they had to bring their cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, smartass.
Lydia
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow
Hey Bonehead:
What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you thinking?!
====================================
From: Lydia Zeltow
You rotten jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies." They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you.
====================================
Lydia Zeltow
Listen you "#$%&*^#"
Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to death in the orgy. The pipers have even started getting the cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten
vicious swine!!!
Your sworn enemy
====================================
Harrison Burnsley, Esq.
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and peace of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or contact Ms. Zeltow at the sanitarium where she now resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on sight.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Employee Handbook Joke
Please note the following updates to the Employee Handbook:
SICKNESS:
We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
OPERATIONS:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
DEATH OF OTHERS:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a colleague. This exchange must be approved by both employees' supervisors.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their pay checks:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income Tax 244.40
Outcome Tax 45.21
State Tax 11.61
Interstate Tax 61.10
County Tax 6.11
City Tax 12.22
Rural Tax 4.44
Back Tax 1.11
Front Tax 1.16
Side Tax 1.61
Up Tax 2.22
Down Tax 1.11
Tic-Tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet Tacks 0.98
Stadium Tax 0.69
Flat Tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Ma'am Tax 2.60
Parking Fee 5.00
No Pkg Fine 10.00
F.I.C.A. 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund 9.95
Life Ins. 5.85
Health Ins. 16.23
Disability 2.50
Ability 0.25
Liability Ins. 3.41
Dental Ins. 4.50
Mental Ins. 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee 6.85
Coffee Cups 66.51
Calendar 3.06
Floor Rental 16.85
Chair Rental 0.32
Desk Rental 4.32
Union Dues 5.85
Union Don'ts 3.77
Cash Advances 0.69
Cash Retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern Time 9.00
Central Time 8.00
Mnt Time 7.00
Pacific Time 6.00
Bath Time 4.44
Time Out 12.21
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Air 46.83
Misc 144.38
Take Home Pay: $0.02
The Management
SICKNESS:
We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
OPERATIONS:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
DEATH OF OTHERS:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a colleague. This exchange must be approved by both employees' supervisors.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their pay checks:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income Tax 244.40
Outcome Tax 45.21
State Tax 11.61
Interstate Tax 61.10
County Tax 6.11
City Tax 12.22
Rural Tax 4.44
Back Tax 1.11
Front Tax 1.16
Side Tax 1.61
Up Tax 2.22
Down Tax 1.11
Tic-Tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet Tacks 0.98
Stadium Tax 0.69
Flat Tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Ma'am Tax 2.60
Parking Fee 5.00
No Pkg Fine 10.00
F.I.C.A. 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund 9.95
Life Ins. 5.85
Health Ins. 16.23
Disability 2.50
Ability 0.25
Liability Ins. 3.41
Dental Ins. 4.50
Mental Ins. 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee 6.85
Coffee Cups 66.51
Calendar 3.06
Floor Rental 16.85
Chair Rental 0.32
Desk Rental 4.32
Union Dues 5.85
Union Don'ts 3.77
Cash Advances 0.69
Cash Retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern Time 9.00
Central Time 8.00
Mnt Time 7.00
Pacific Time 6.00
Bath Time 4.44
Time Out 12.21
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Air 46.83
Misc 144.38
Take Home Pay: $0.02
The Management
Monday, December 11, 2006
Marriage Quotes Joke
Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Paid To Do The Worrying Joke
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Friday, December 1, 2006
Office Christmas Party Joke
DATE: December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ..feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Pat Lewis, Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Happy now?
Pat Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patricia Lewis, Human Rat Races
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now.....
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Witch
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ..feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Pat Lewis, Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Happy now?
Pat Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patricia Lewis, Human Rat Races
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now.....
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Witch
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
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