My dearest darling John:
Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree? Thank you a hundred times!
All my love forever,
Lydia
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From: Lydia Zeltow
Dearest John:
I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're adorable. Thanks again!
Love always,
Lydia
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From: Lydia Zeltow
Dear John:
Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens!
Love,
Lydia
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From: Lydia Zeltow
Dear John:
Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic?
Affectionately,
Lydia
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From: Lydia Zeltow
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to wonder about you!
Love,
Lydia
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From: Lydia Zeltow
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. Please stop.
Cordially,
Lydia
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From: Lydia Zeltow
John:
What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop!
Lydia
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From: Lydia Zeltow
O.K. Buster:
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds - they had to bring their cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, smartass.
Lydia
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From: Lydia Zeltow
Hey Bonehead:
What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you thinking?!
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From: Lydia Zeltow
You rotten jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies." They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you.
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Lydia Zeltow
Listen you "#$%&*^#"
Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to death in the orgy. The pipers have even started getting the cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten
vicious swine!!!
Your sworn enemy
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Harrison Burnsley, Esq.
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and peace of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or contact Ms. Zeltow at the sanitarium where she now resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on sight.
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