Employee Handbook Joke

Please note the following updates to the Employee Handbook:

SICKNESS:
We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a colleague. This exchange must be approved by both employees' supervisors.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their pay checks:

Gross pay $1,222.02
Income Tax 244.40
Outcome Tax 45.21
State Tax 11.61
Interstate Tax 61.10
County Tax 6.11
City Tax 12.22
Rural Tax 4.44
Back Tax 1.11
Front Tax 1.16
Side Tax 1.61
Up Tax 2.22
Down Tax 1.11
Tic-Tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet Tacks 0.98
Stadium Tax 0.69
Flat Tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Ma'am Tax 2.60
Parking Fee 5.00
No Pkg Fine 10.00
F.I.C.A. 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund 9.95
Life Ins. 5.85
Health Ins. 16.23
Disability 2.50
Ability 0.25
Liability Ins. 3.41
Dental Ins. 4.50
Mental Ins. 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee 6.85
Coffee Cups 66.51
Calendar 3.06
Floor Rental 16.85
Chair Rental 0.32
Desk Rental 4.32
Union Dues 5.85
Union Don'ts 3.77
Cash Advances 0.69
Cash Retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern Time 9.00
Central Time 8.00
Mnt Time 7.00
Pacific Time 6.00
Bath Time 4.44
Time Out 12.21
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Air 46.83
Misc 144.38

Take Home Pay: $0.02

The Management