A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Elderly Hero Joke
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.
He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.
He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Dumb Answers Joke
Girlfriend: ...and are you sure you love me and no one else ?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why?
Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it.
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Patient: What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why?
Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it.
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Patient: What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor: One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
How To End A Date Joke
BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??
BOY: I would go to the ends of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.
MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??
BOY: I would go to the ends of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.
MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Cheating On History Exam Joke
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Why Students Fail Joke
It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days.
The typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays
52 Sundays in a year. Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays
50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep
130 days gone... Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing (good for health)
15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing)
30 days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)
15 days. Days left 81.
7. Exam days
Per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festivals (holidays)
40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. Sick days
At least 3 days. Remaining days = 3.
10. Movies and functions
At least 2 days. 1 day left.
That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day?!?!?!?!
Balance = 0
How can a student ever pass?!?!
The typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays
52 Sundays in a year. Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays
50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep
130 days gone... Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing (good for health)
15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing)
30 days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)
15 days. Days left 81.
7. Exam days
Per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festivals (holidays)
40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. Sick days
At least 3 days. Remaining days = 3.
10. Movies and functions
At least 2 days. 1 day left.
That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day?!?!?!?!
Balance = 0
How can a student ever pass?!?!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Fastest Way Of Communication Joke
What are the three fastest ways of communication?
The three fastest means of communication in the world:
1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
Tell her not to tell anyone!
The three fastest means of communication in the world:
1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
Tell her not to tell anyone!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
God Created You For Me Joke
God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU!
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Preaching To One Joke
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today".
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em".
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today".
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em".
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Adult In School Joke
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years - a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Relax! He's just taking attendance!"
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Relax! He's just taking attendance!"
Saturday, September 8, 2007
It's Great Being A Man Joke
It's great to be a man because...
1. ...a five day holiday requires one overnight bag
2. ...phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
3. ...queues for the bathroom don't exist
4. ...you can open all your own jars.
5. ...when clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying.
6. ...you don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.
7. ...you can go to the bathroom without a support group.
8. ...when your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you.
9. ...you get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
10. ...you never have to clean a toilet.
11. ...you can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
12. ...you save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
13. ...wedding plans take care of themselves.
14. ...if someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.
15. ...you don't have to shave below your neck.
16. ...none of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
17. ...you don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
18. ...if you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
19. ...biological clock? What's that?
20. ...chocolate is just another snack.
21. ...flowers fix everything.
22. ...you never have to worry about other people's feelings.
23. ...reverse parking is easy.
24. ...window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
25. ...Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.
26. ...if you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is.
27. ...dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger.
28. ...you don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.
29. ...car mechanics tell you the truth.
30. ...you don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.
31. ...you can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you.
32. ...one mood, all the time.
33. ...gray hair and wrinkles add character.
34. ...the remote control is yours and yours alone.
35. ...you have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
36. ...you don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
37. ...your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "so... notice anything different?"
1. ...a five day holiday requires one overnight bag
2. ...phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
3. ...queues for the bathroom don't exist
4. ...you can open all your own jars.
5. ...when clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying.
6. ...you don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.
7. ...you can go to the bathroom without a support group.
8. ...when your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you.
9. ...you get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
10. ...you never have to clean a toilet.
11. ...you can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
12. ...you save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
13. ...wedding plans take care of themselves.
14. ...if someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.
15. ...you don't have to shave below your neck.
16. ...none of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
17. ...you don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
18. ...if you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
19. ...biological clock? What's that?
20. ...chocolate is just another snack.
21. ...flowers fix everything.
22. ...you never have to worry about other people's feelings.
23. ...reverse parking is easy.
24. ...window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
25. ...Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.
26. ...if you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is.
27. ...dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger.
28. ...you don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.
29. ...car mechanics tell you the truth.
30. ...you don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.
31. ...you can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you.
32. ...one mood, all the time.
33. ...gray hair and wrinkles add character.
34. ...the remote control is yours and yours alone.
35. ...you have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
36. ...you don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
37. ...your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "so... notice anything different?"
Friday, September 7, 2007
The Perfect Job Joke
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Think You Are Having A Bad Day?
Think you're having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So, a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the outlet for the vacuum cleaner.
Think you're having a bad day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
What? STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So, a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the outlet for the vacuum cleaner.
Think you're having a bad day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
What? STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Notes To Sick Wife Joke
(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well-meaning husband)
Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around 6.
Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in the refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around 6.
Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in the refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Mother's Trick Joke
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his father's side. "Now maybe mother will do the trick she has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit."
Monday, September 3, 2007
New Office Rules Joke
Team,
Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2007.
Transportation:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a 10-year old car or take public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings and money and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a Ford, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise too.
Annual Leave:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!).
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's Medical Certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work...
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Surgery:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Internet Usage:
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (Note: $2 per minute)
Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2007.
Transportation:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a 10-year old car or take public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings and money and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a Ford, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise too.
Annual Leave:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!).
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's Medical Certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work...
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Surgery:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Internet Usage:
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (Note: $2 per minute)
Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Answers To Health Questions Joke
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet... No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet... No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Lost In The Supermarket Joke
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
Friday, August 31, 2007
New Sicknesses Joke
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $10.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $10.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Pick Three Hymns Joke
One Sunday, a minister told his congregation that the church needed some extra money as the drains had just fallen in and asked his flock to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns of their choice.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $300 cheque in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $300 cheque in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Kids' Proverbs Joke
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and had them come up with the rest.
Better to be safe than... Punch a 5th grader.
Strike While the... Bug is close.
It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's... Pollution.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
Better to be safe than... Punch a 5th grader.
Strike While the... Bug is close.
It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's... Pollution.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Heaven Getting Crowded Joke
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded.
When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
Monday, August 27, 2007
The Engineer And The Frog Joke
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Female Bumper Stickers Joke
Behind every successful woman is herself.
Oh my god, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry !
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
I'm out of oestrogen and I have a gun.
Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Oh my god, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry !
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
I'm out of oestrogen and I have a gun.
Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Make Sure He's Dead Joke
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Friday, August 24, 2007
Sherlock Holmes Camping Joke
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Thursday, August 23, 2007
She Was So Blonde Joke
She was so blonde that...
1. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said - concentrate.
2. ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. ...she told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. ...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back.
7. ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. ...under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. ...she tripped over a cordless phone.
10. ...at the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius.
11. ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. ...if she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. ...she studied for a blood test and failed.
14. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. ...she sold the car for gas money.
16. ...when she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
17. ...she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
18. ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
19. ...when she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home.
1. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said - concentrate.
2. ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. ...she told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. ...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back.
7. ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. ...under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. ...she tripped over a cordless phone.
10. ...at the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius.
11. ...it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. ...if she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. ...she studied for a blood test and failed.
14. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. ...she sold the car for gas money.
16. ...when she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
17. ...she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
18. ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
19. ...when she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Spoon In Waiters' Pocket Joke
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Men Are Like... Joke
1. Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head straight to your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds.
They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head straight to your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds.
They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Miraculous Car Accident Joke
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Dinner At Girlfriend's Place Joke
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Just Visiting Here Joke
A tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to a girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.
She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here.'"
"Haha!" he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"
"I'm just visiting here."
She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here.'"
"Haha!" he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"
"I'm just visiting here."
Friday, August 17, 2007
Wife's Surprise Birthday Present Joke
The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.
Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband, 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday! Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited, she was counting down the days to her birthday.
And on that day, she finally got the beautiful present bought by her thoughtful husband...
...
...
...
...
...
...
The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder!
Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband, 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday! Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited, she was counting down the days to her birthday.
And on that day, she finally got the beautiful present bought by her thoughtful husband...
...
...
...
...
...
...
The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
The New Alphabet For The Aging Joke
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now... The New Alphabet for the aging...
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now... The New Alphabet for the aging...
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Bad Round Of Golf Joke
After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole (the clubhouse bar) and started to go straight home.
As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes", Robert answered.
"Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" Robert questioned.
"Well", said the policeman gravely, "Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?"
Robert thought it over very carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes", Robert answered.
"Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" Robert questioned.
"Well", said the policeman gravely, "Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?"
Robert thought it over very carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
10 Laws Of Computing Joke
1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.
4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.
4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Oldest Profession In The World Joke
A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Creation Of Woman Joke
Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Blonde And Magic Mirror Joke
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth, it will grant you a wish. If you lie - Poof! It swallows you up.
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth". Poof! The mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth". Poof!The mirror swallows her up.
Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says "I think........" Poof!!
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth". Poof! The mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth". Poof!The mirror swallows her up.
Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says "I think........" Poof!!
Friday, August 10, 2007
24 Hours To Live Joke
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Caught Sleeping At Desk Joke
10 Best Things To Say If You Are Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "Boy, that cough mixture I took last night is strong!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands..."
and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ...in Jesus' name. Amen."
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "Boy, that cough mixture I took last night is strong!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands..."
and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ...in Jesus' name. Amen."
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
New Cannibal Engineers Joke
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Out Of Office Email Auto-Replies Joke
The Best "Out-Of-Office" Email Auto-Replies:
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11. I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THE BEST OF THE BEST:
12. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11. I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THE BEST OF THE BEST:
12. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Important Lessons In Life Joke
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says. Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish! I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries!" Pufffff! and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff! and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm!"
Pufffff!
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish! I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries!" Pufffff! and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff! and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm!"
Pufffff!
Lesson 1:
Always allow the boss to speak first
A young executive was standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
Lesson 2:
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of? ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you?!!... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......!?!??"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you?!!... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......!?!??"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
Lesson 3:
Never insult anyone.
There were 4 guys - a Russian, a German, an American and a Frenchman, who found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, the genie said, "Next to each one of you are 4 swimming pools. I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become and then your wish will come true."
The Frenchman wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE!!!". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next was the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA!!!" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next. He jumped and shouted, "BEER!!!". He was so contented in his beer pool.
The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, the genie said, "Next to each one of you are 4 swimming pools. I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become and then your wish will come true."
The Frenchman wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE!!!". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next was the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA!!!" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next. He jumped and shouted, "BEER!!!". He was so contented in his beer pool.
The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Lesson 4:
Think twice before you say something,
because sometimes accidents do happen.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
American History Quotes Joke
It was the first day of school in the Marysville, Ohio, school. A new student named Suzuki, son of a Honda executive, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's start by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty or give me death?"
Only one hand was raised, that of Suzuki. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Fine," said the teacher. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.'?"
Again, Suzuki's hand was the only one raised. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.
The teacher said, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki knows more about our country's history than any of you."
From the back of the classroom came a quick grunt: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.
Suzuki quickly said, "Lee Iococca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke."
Suzuki put his hand up. "George Bush, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this."
Suzuki jumps up waving his hand. "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
Now with a frenzy, someone shouts, "You little snit. If you say anything else, I'm going to kill you!"
Suzuki says calmly, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around, one of the kids says, "Oh damn, now we're in big trouble!"
Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
The teacher said, "Let's start by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty or give me death?"
Only one hand was raised, that of Suzuki. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Fine," said the teacher. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.'?"
Again, Suzuki's hand was the only one raised. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.
The teacher said, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki knows more about our country's history than any of you."
From the back of the classroom came a quick grunt: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.
Suzuki quickly said, "Lee Iococca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke."
Suzuki put his hand up. "George Bush, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this."
Suzuki jumps up waving his hand. "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
Now with a frenzy, someone shouts, "You little snit. If you say anything else, I'm going to kill you!"
Suzuki says calmly, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around, one of the kids says, "Oh damn, now we're in big trouble!"
Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Only In... Joke
Only in India...
Only in Pakistan...
Only in Bangladesh...
Only in Indonesia...
Only in Hawaii...
Only in Japan...
Only in Australia...
Only in China...
Friday, August 3, 2007
Men's Rules For Women Joke
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
7. Crying is blackmail.
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
28. You have enough clothes.
29. You have too many shoes.
30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
33. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
7. Crying is blackmail.
8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
28. You have enough clothes.
29. You have too many shoes.
30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
33. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
God Is Watching Joke
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Changing Gates At Airport Joke
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.
Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Insomniac, Agnostic And Dyslexic Joke
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Quotes On Men And Women Joke
Women have more imagination than men do.
They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
Women have their faults.
Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct - they like to be a man's last romance.
To women love is an occupation.
To men it is a preoccupation.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way and the other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.
Husbands are like cars - all of them are good the first year.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If women knew what men were thinking they'd never stop slapping them.
Men are like animals but they make great pets.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man will cherish the memory of the woman he didn't marry.
They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
Women have their faults.
Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct - they like to be a man's last romance.
To women love is an occupation.
To men it is a preoccupation.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way and the other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.
Husbands are like cars - all of them are good the first year.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If women knew what men were thinking they'd never stop slapping them.
Men are like animals but they make great pets.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man will cherish the memory of the woman he didn't marry.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Psychiatric Patient Start At The Beginning Joke
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Laws Of The Toddler Joke
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
This applies to many grown-ups too!
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
This applies to many grown-ups too!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Dead Mule In Church Joke
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Mother Supporting Children Joke
My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"
"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."
"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Lost In A Hot Air Baloon Joke
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Car Brand Names Revealed Joke
A reference guide for car buyers and owners.
AUDI:
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW:
Bought My Wife
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women but
Broke My Wallet
CHEVROLET:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
DODGE:
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dead On the Day Guarantee Expires
FIAT:
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD:
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM:
Garbage Motors
Gluteus Maximus
HONDA:
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI:
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
PORSCHE:
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
SAAB:
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
SUBARU:
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO:
Very Old Looking Vehicular Object
AUDI:
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW:
Bought My Wife
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women but
Broke My Wallet
CHEVROLET:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
DODGE:
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dead On the Day Guarantee Expires
FIAT:
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD:
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM:
Garbage Motors
Gluteus Maximus
HONDA:
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI:
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
PORSCHE:
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
SAAB:
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
SUBARU:
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO:
Very Old Looking Vehicular Object
Monday, July 23, 2007
Blondes Changing Light Bulb Joke
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Travel Brochure Phrases Explained Joke
“Old world charm” = Room and a bath
“Tropical” = Rainy
“Majestic setting” = A long way from town, at end of dirt road
“Options galore” = Nothing is included in the itinerary
“Secluded hideaway” = Directions to the location are unclear
“Some budget rooms” = Sorry, already occupied
“Explore on your own” = At your own expense
“Knowledgeable trip hosts” = They've flown in an airplane before
“No extra fees” = No extras
“Nominal fee” = Outrageous charge
“Standard” = Sub-standard
“Deluxe” = Barely Standard
“Superior accommodations” = One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
“All the amenities” = Two chocolates, two shower caps
“Plush” = Both top and bottom sheets
“Gentle breezes” = In hurricane alley
“Light and airy” = No air conditioning
“Picturesque” = Theme park nearby
“24-hour bar” = Ice cubes at additional cost - when available
“Tropical” = Rainy
“Majestic setting” = A long way from town, at end of dirt road
“Options galore” = Nothing is included in the itinerary
“Secluded hideaway” = Directions to the location are unclear
“Some budget rooms” = Sorry, already occupied
“Explore on your own” = At your own expense
“Knowledgeable trip hosts” = They've flown in an airplane before
“No extra fees” = No extras
“Nominal fee” = Outrageous charge
“Standard” = Sub-standard
“Deluxe” = Barely Standard
“Superior accommodations” = One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
“All the amenities” = Two chocolates, two shower caps
“Plush” = Both top and bottom sheets
“Gentle breezes” = In hurricane alley
“Light and airy” = No air conditioning
“Picturesque” = Theme park nearby
“24-hour bar” = Ice cubes at additional cost - when available
Saturday, July 21, 2007
How Do Dogs Change A Light Bulb? Joke
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Police Monkey Joke
A tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in small unit tactics - well worth the money!"
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrol monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basic firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques, and it can even type.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in small unit tactics - well worth the money!"
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrol monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basic firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques, and it can even type.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Grandma's New Baby Joke
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries!" she told them.
"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put her."
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries!" she told them.
"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put her."
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Perfect Husband Joke
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
A-Z Word Definitions Joke
These words should be added into the dictionary.
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.
Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.
Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.
Wackajacky: very messed up.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.
Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.
Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.
Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.
Wackajacky: very messed up.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.
Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Blonde Selling Car Joke
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."
"Okay," said her friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."
"Okay," said her friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Sunday, July 15, 2007
10 Facts About Men Joke
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Word Definitions Joke
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Missionary Kid Joke
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY KID WHEN...
You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
You speak two languages, but can't spell either.
You flew before you could walk.
You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.
You have a passport, but no driver's license.
You watch National Geographic specials and recognise someone.
You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
You don't know how to play conmputer games.
You would rather eat seaweed than cafeteria food.
Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..." five times.
You speak to different ethnic groups in their own language.
You think in grams, metres, and litres.
You speak with authority on the quality of airline travel.
You send your family peanut butter and Kool-Aid for Christmas.
You worry about fitting in, and wear a native wrap around the dorm.
You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.
You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation.
You don't know where home is.
Strangers say they can remember you when you were "this tall."
You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
You do your devotions in another language.
You sort your friends by continent.
You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.
You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get big.
You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any postal service.
You realise that furlough is not a vacation.
You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
You've spoken in dozens of churches, but aren't a pastor.
Furlough means that you are stuffed every night... and have to eat it all to seem polite.
Your parents decline your cousin's offer to let them use his BMW, and stuff all six of you into an old VW Beetle instead.
You stockpile mangoes.
You know what REAL coffee tastes like.
The majority of your friends don't speak English as a first language.
Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the sport wrong.
You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
You know there is no such thing as an international language.
You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism.
You realise what a small world it is, after all.
You never take anything for granted.
You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you know what the nationals are REALLY saying into the camera.
You know how to pack.
All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin roof.
Having four distinct seasons other than: dry, very dry, rainy, very rainy, is a new experience.
After a couple of years in one spot, you're ready to move again.
You frequently say, "I don't know, I was out of the country."
You feel uncomfortable in school without a uniform.
School gets cancelled due to flash flooding.
Tropical fruits aren't imported.
Walking miles to and from school is "normal."
If someone asks what school you went to, you reply, "depends on the year."
You are afraid to ask what you are eating. But munch away, with a smile on your face.
National Geographic makes you homesick.
You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
You speak two languages, but can't spell either.
You flew before you could walk.
You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.
You have a passport, but no driver's license.
You watch National Geographic specials and recognise someone.
You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
You don't know how to play conmputer games.
You would rather eat seaweed than cafeteria food.
Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..." five times.
You speak to different ethnic groups in their own language.
You think in grams, metres, and litres.
You speak with authority on the quality of airline travel.
You send your family peanut butter and Kool-Aid for Christmas.
You worry about fitting in, and wear a native wrap around the dorm.
You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.
You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation.
You don't know where home is.
Strangers say they can remember you when you were "this tall."
You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
You do your devotions in another language.
You sort your friends by continent.
You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.
You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get big.
You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any postal service.
You realise that furlough is not a vacation.
You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
You've spoken in dozens of churches, but aren't a pastor.
Furlough means that you are stuffed every night... and have to eat it all to seem polite.
Your parents decline your cousin's offer to let them use his BMW, and stuff all six of you into an old VW Beetle instead.
You stockpile mangoes.
You know what REAL coffee tastes like.
The majority of your friends don't speak English as a first language.
Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the sport wrong.
You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
You know there is no such thing as an international language.
You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism.
You realise what a small world it is, after all.
You never take anything for granted.
You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you know what the nationals are REALLY saying into the camera.
You know how to pack.
All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin roof.
Having four distinct seasons other than: dry, very dry, rainy, very rainy, is a new experience.
After a couple of years in one spot, you're ready to move again.
You frequently say, "I don't know, I was out of the country."
You feel uncomfortable in school without a uniform.
School gets cancelled due to flash flooding.
Tropical fruits aren't imported.
Walking miles to and from school is "normal."
If someone asks what school you went to, you reply, "depends on the year."
You are afraid to ask what you are eating. But munch away, with a smile on your face.
National Geographic makes you homesick.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Harold The Computer Guy Joke
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Army Time Joke
On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Retirement Questions And Answers Joke
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Monday, July 9, 2007
What Not To Say On A First Date Joke
1. I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.
2. I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?"
3. This is my apartment, but don't break anything, or you'll have to pay for it.
4. Here, have a tic-tac. It's on me.
5. (To the waitress) Could I have your phone number?
6. Before we go back to my place, you're not afraid of cockroaches, are you?
7. Hey, check out the babe sittin' in the corner. Wow, what a body!
8. What? Oh, I thought you were paying.
9. Nice dress. I have one at home just like it.
10. So my hand slipped, and the knife cut about half an inch into my thumb, and the blood was gushing all over the place, so I went to the emergency room to have it stitched up, but it kept throbbing, and swelling, and, oh, but I see you're eating.
11. I want to move out, but my mom really needs me. And, who else is gonna make my lunch? And my bed? And clean my room?
12. No, I don't have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. I'm building a submarine, when I'm not playing with my inflatable doll.
13. (Looking at her plate) "Are you going to finish that?
14. The mother ship will be returning next June. Then I'll be leaving for Neptune. Hey, here's a thought. You should come with me!
15. My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?
16. Well, I don't go out in public all too often. And I don't like to be touched, so don't touch me. And try not to stare at me. And let me know if anybody else is staring at me.
17. Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
18. Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.
19. I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.
20. Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.
21. Wait till my wife hears about this!
22. I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.
23. I really had a good time tonight, uh, um, what the hell was your name again?
2. I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?"
3. This is my apartment, but don't break anything, or you'll have to pay for it.
4. Here, have a tic-tac. It's on me.
5. (To the waitress) Could I have your phone number?
6. Before we go back to my place, you're not afraid of cockroaches, are you?
7. Hey, check out the babe sittin' in the corner. Wow, what a body!
8. What? Oh, I thought you were paying.
9. Nice dress. I have one at home just like it.
10. So my hand slipped, and the knife cut about half an inch into my thumb, and the blood was gushing all over the place, so I went to the emergency room to have it stitched up, but it kept throbbing, and swelling, and, oh, but I see you're eating.
11. I want to move out, but my mom really needs me. And, who else is gonna make my lunch? And my bed? And clean my room?
12. No, I don't have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. I'm building a submarine, when I'm not playing with my inflatable doll.
13. (Looking at her plate) "Are you going to finish that?
14. The mother ship will be returning next June. Then I'll be leaving for Neptune. Hey, here's a thought. You should come with me!
15. My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?
16. Well, I don't go out in public all too often. And I don't like to be touched, so don't touch me. And try not to stare at me. And let me know if anybody else is staring at me.
17. Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
18. Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.
19. I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.
20. Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.
21. Wait till my wife hears about this!
22. I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.
23. I really had a good time tonight, uh, um, what the hell was your name again?
Sunday, July 8, 2007
50th Wedding Anniversary Joke
At a marriage seminar, the Pastor asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes to share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
Brother Ralph told the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired, "Trips to where?". "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China," Ralph replied.
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th wedding anniversary?"
Ralph replied, "I'm going back to get her."
Brother Ralph told the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired, "Trips to where?". "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China," Ralph replied.
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th wedding anniversary?"
Ralph replied, "I'm going back to get her."
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Best Patients To Operate On Joke
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and tail are interchangeable."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and tail are interchangeable."
Friday, July 6, 2007
Three Holy Men And A Bear Joke
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Actual Police Comments Joke
These 16 police comments were allegedly taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
25th Wedding Anniversary Joke
At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Simple Home Remedies Joke
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Politics Defined Joke
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so Call me President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." "The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." "The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
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